Monday, May 14, 2007

A Sleepy Spirit

Come sleep! O sleep the certain knot of peace,
The baiting place of wit, the balm of woe,
The poor man's wealth, the prisoner's release,
Th' indifferent judge between the high and low;
With shield of proof shield me from out the prease [throng]
Of those fierce darts Despair at me doth throw:
O make in me those civil wars to cease;
I will good tribute pay if thou do so...

(from stanza 39,
Astrophil and Stella, Sir Philip Sidney)

Sleeping well seems like a rare luxury these days, and I know it only promises to be more of a precious commodity once the baby arrives (little less than a month 'til her due date!). My size + frequent bathroom visits = tossing, turning, and a groggy Jasmin in the morning. Come sleep! Anytime, anywhere. I long for that certain knot of peace...

And yet, I want so badly to be awake. I want to be awake and aware of the movement of this life inside me, I want to savor the labor of cooking a good meal, or sitting in relatively undisturbed quiet to read, or cleaning up around the house, and even working. My mind wants to be about the business of living, but my body is asking me to slow down, take it easy, sleep...

My spirit feels sleepy as well, and I want it to be awake! Dryness isn't quite the right word to describe what I'm sensing; knotted, tied up, pre-occupied, might be right if I could make one word out of the three. A knot of peace is where I find myself. Feeling peaceful with the state of things, but there is some tension there was well. I know He isn't expecting me to be a "perfect" Christian and bathe everyone around me constantly in love, compassion, and kindness, isn't expecting me to give my all in a passionate fight for justice, the poor, and downtrodden, I don't even think He expects me to always have my eyes turned toward Him...But, that doesn't stop me from wanting these things, wanting to feel awake and aware.

The nice thing about Him though is that like any good lover, He loves without expectation or demands. He loves in total freedom and total abundance. So, I suppose that makes it easier to accept my sleepiness, knowing that it too is from Him. He gives us good and perfect gifts, so we should by all means, accept!

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