Just Tellin' It Like It Is

Well, I think I can finally announce the news since it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who should already know...

I'm pregnant! Micah, who's known about it for several weeks now, said to me last night, "Wow. It just hasn't sunk in. You two are having a baby!"

And I guess I feel the same way. It's been hard for me to really get excited since I had some complications in the beginning, and for awhile I thought I would miscarry. It was a difficult several weeks, but now that's given way to a different kind of difficultness--the normal pregnancy woes--nausea, fatigue, and I almost hate to say this, but I do miss having a glass of wine. And my emotions are on such a roller coaster. Blame the surging hormones I guess, but I could cry just because the laundry is piled as high as my expanding waist, the dishes need to get done, and don't even get me started on the state of the rest of the house...

Then nevermind the fact that work (as in, work that will give us money in return) still needs to be done, and I never feel like cooking now so we eat out a lot (and this makes me feel bad for the baby), and oh yeah, once upon a time I was working on a novel...

You may laugh and say, "Wake up and smell the coffee sweetie. This is life," and you'd be right. I wish I could laugh at myself, but the truth is, I am so afraid.

I am afraid of having to give myself away, so completely and so totally to this little life that will be dependent on me.

I am afraid I won't get to grad school, and I'll stop writing.

I am afraid I haven't been a wife long enough to know how to be a wife and a mother.

I am afraid of being the only one of my friends that's a mom and of being in a new city where I don't know any other moms.

I am afraid of a world that will consist of messy diapers, sleepless nights, crying, spitting up, and sore breasts and bad hair for mom.

But I have been reminded that I don't have the baby yet, and once I do, that will change everything.

So in a way, I can't wait for the time to be up, and I get to meet this little person who's going to change my life.

I get to fall in love again.

That's something to be excited about.