window seat

Moving!

2008-01-10T08:41:00.000-08:00

Hi, just letting you know, I moved over to wordpress! Check it out-- http://jasminis.wordpress.com

2007 reflections

2007-12-31T22:05:00.000-08:00

In 2007...

I mourned the loss of innocence in the world and in myself.
But I rejoiced when it was born anew in so many ways.

I fell in love.

Community took on even more significance.
My sisters and brothers in Raleigh grew more precious.

I faced some fears.

Mortality reminded me of its grip on me and the lives of my loved ones.
The great cloud of witnesses surrounded, and witnessed (which freaked me out).

I gave birth.

I cried more than I wanted to.
But nothing made me happier than the laughter of my child.

I missed family.

I gained new friends in unexpected places.
And even met up with some old ones.

Sleep became elusive.

Read a few good books, saw some good movies.
But mostly, any down time was spent wanting to sleep.

I learned to appreciate my humanity even more.

And my spiritual life grew out of the mundane.
Out of the ordinary, every-day occurrences of life on this earth.

Changed many, many diapers.

I cooked, and it became a creative process and an outlet.
My body was made food for someone.

I thought a lot about hunger.

And Jesus kept me.
In the light, dark, and the murky in-between,
he kept me.

Goodbye old year, I am glad for the things you taught me.

all you need is love

2007-10-17T17:45:00.001-07:00

So here's Jubie meeting her first pastor. "Pastor the Conquistador" that is. She loved that dog! Thanks goes to Jenny for introducing them. I think it was love at first lick.

I have never loved anyone else the way I love her. It amazes me, what God gives--this good, challenging, growing thing of love. When Jesus said that we must become like little children to enter the kingdom of heaven, I don't think he meant, "be more innocent or more pure..." Be more, be more, be more...this is what we are constantly telling ourselves and yet, I don't know that he ever asks us to be more anything when he is more for us in us.

I think he was asking us to simply let him love us. Let him love unreservedly and extravagantly, even when we don't deserve it, don't feel as though we measure up. It's a hard thing for adults to let themselves be loved and to admit to needing it, but children--they have no qualms about expressing their need for love whenever and wherever it suits them. Whether it's being held, changed, fed, or played with, Jubilee tells me in her own baby way what she needs, and my response is always the same: I am here for you.

God is just like that, overwhelming more so! We just don't always accept it. But--He Is. And just as Jubilee will get older and my expressions of love for her change in response to her growth and maturity, God takes me deeper into his love as I age in him. I suppose this is what relationship with him is all about.

I was feeling a bit down in the dumps before I started this post.
It's been one of those "I could tear my hair out weep a thousand tears eat a pint of ben-and-jerry's" days, if you know what I mean. And I won't say that magically everything is better now, but I definitely feel my spirit lifted a bit when I think about the riches of his graceful love. It's like digging your fingers into dark, loamy, soil to plant a seed. That seed may have fallen into its tomb of dirt, but it is there, surrounded by darkness, that it is given the nutrients it needs to break forth, sprout, and grow.

And because I love this song...because this is a feel good post...
All You Need is Love! Sing it with me now...

bragging rights

2007-10-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

Not much time to write a decent post, but here are some pictures taken with me and Jubilee at our "play" group...

I love this last one with the three girls together--it's hilarious to try and get them to all look at the same thing. Not happening.

And here's one of just Jubes.

Okay, so I seriously think I have bragging rights. I mean, she's just the cutest baby ever, right?

Food

2007-09-25T13:06:00.000-07:00

I've just come from the kitchen where I was slicing potatoes (that will eventually be mashed) for dinner. I've been mulling over recipe ideas and food all day, from everything to wondering if I can master bernaise and hollandaise sauce, to an autumn butternut squash dish, to giant caramel and chocolate chip cookies I want to bake and send my little sister who's now in college. The thought finally hit me today--I really enjoy cooking. I like to get my fingers gooey from mashing ripe bananas for banana bread, I like it when I find a streak of flour across my cheek, and I almost immediately begin drooling from the aroma of garlic and onion being sauteed in olive oil. I'm no gourmet chef, but there is such pleasure and beauty to be found in the simple act of creating sustenance that can be delighted in from raw materials, which in some form or fashion have come from the earth. There is something truly spiritual about it.

Being home most of the day with the kiddo and husband (who works from home) means that I spend a lot of time in the kitchen. So I'm very grateful for the opportunity to participate in something like prayer as I "slave all day" over the stove! I doubt Jesus spent much time in the kitchen during his time on earth. But perhaps he felt the same way when he bent over wood, to cut and sand and shape it into a thing of beauty.

Now, he's declared himself to be food and drink--taste and see that he is good. What a wonderful image. What a frightening image. Take me in, he says. Ingest me. Digest me. Let me become a part of you, fuel you, keep you alive.

Hunger for me, and I will satisfy. I am the hunger. I am the food. I am all. I am.

I can't pretend to fully understand this, but I know that it is truth. So I suppose I am grateful for hunger as well since it leads us to him. Gives us a picture of the state of our spirits.

But then I think about hunger in the natural realm, and should I be grateful for that? Sure, I can say that I am grateful for hunger when I know that I have a way to satisfy that hunger right behind my refrigerator door, or across the street at the grocery store, or down the way at Chick-fil-A. But what about those who are truly hungry, with no foreseeable way to fulfill their need?

Feed my sheep, he says. It's easy to feed my family. It's also easy to feed my friends. It's a joy to sit around the dinner table with a good glass of wine, maybe some herb-roasted chicken and asparagus, and fresh bread, and be surrounded in the comfort of those I know and love. There is great good in that. But there is also good to be found in having the stranger, the "other" (i.e. a truly hungry person) sitting across from me at the table. I'd like to take steps to being able to do that. Whether that means eventually opening a food pantry alongside Mike like Sara Miles does (which she talks about in her book Take This Bread) or just getting up the guts to invite someone I'm less than comfortable with in for a meal, I know that I want to share this joy I have for cooking with whomever I can.

Ha. I almost wrote "the joy of cooking." (No, I do not own that cookbook.)

And on that note, I think I should get to bed. I have a little one who will probably be expressing her hunger at a less than optimal hour of night. Now I'll have that Checkers commercial ringing through me head...

You gotta eat!

Relief

2007-08-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

a recent scribblin' of mine:

Relief

Solitude is my lover
is my lord climbing
curves of a mountain
escape when the need
was too great
is my god who six
days into creation
finished his act of love's
making and heaving
a satisfied sigh sunk
into the best kind
of drowning.

guilty pleasures

2007-08-23T19:16:00.001-07:00

Upon becoming a mother, it seems that I have given myself permission to indulge my guilty pleasures. I bashfully admit to repeatedly watching episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, reading In Style magazine, eating McDonald's french fries, and belting out whatever sappy, ballad-y, worthy-of-being-played-on-Delilah's station love songs while driving alone in the car with the windows down.

Don't judge me.

I admit these things to you because 1) because I am tired and don't know how to keep my mouth shut, or rather, my fingers quiet 2) because confession cleanses the soul and 3) because I'm curious to know what everybody else's little indulgences are.

Well, that's enough of that.

I haven't gotten too far in Wilber's The Marriage of Sense and Soul, primarily because it is a book that requires a concentrated burst of my attention, and that comes few and far between these days. But, I did pick up an old book of poetry I have, Animal Soul, by Bob Hicok, and fell in love with it all over again. Here are a couple of lines from the opening poem in Animal Soul, "Whither Thou Goest":

Fish can have mad cow disease and I have a problem
with that...

I'm not ashamed to admit that my prayers are no longer
unconscious but loud and practiced
to the skin of the mirror to the muse
of the cereal box to the road as I drive...
...pushing veneration through my body makes god
exist if only for a second
within the chambered nuances of breath.

Yes, I did violence to the poem by breaking up the lines and taking some out of context, but hey, I'm allowed take a knife to the meat of words every once in awhile. It's like I'm cooking you my own word-y stew (sorry Bob). Anyhow, these few lines make me smile and sigh with something like relief. Just like admitting that even after Fast Food Nation I still enjoy french fries, and that I can occasionally be one of those obnoxious people who play annoying music in the car and roll their windows down so you can hear it too.

This may be self-involved, but my life is all about finding whatever relief I can get right now.

And that would include writing this post.

So, thanks for the indulgence.

And here's my parting shot...

very blessed!

2007-08-10T11:34:00.001-07:00

Are they the cutest or what? I'm just so in love...

On another note--been reading The Marriage of Sense and Soul by Ken Wilber. Not my typical reading, no, but it's definitely fascinating. I would post more, but I hear a hungry little one calling, or grunting as she is rather prone to do.

When there's more time I'll get back to Ken.

Jubilee!

2007-07-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

I finally climbed out of the stone age and realized that I could upload pictures from my camera phone to the computer. So...here's a few of my Jubilee, my joy :)

These first two were taken on her birthday. I'm sure she's thinking, "my-oh-my it's cold out here...so I'd do what anyone would do--sleep."

And here she is today...

Brief Update

2007-07-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

For anybody who's interested, I recently wrote a brief church update...

(And I apologize in advance for not posting pictures of Jubie, I will as soon as I can!)

This summer has been full of changes for the church--Amanda and Phil were married and moved to Maryland, we're considering neighborhoods, and of course, Mike and I welcomed Jubilee Grace into the world! And amidst the changes, the church has been going through the first part of Ephesians, attempting to look at the letter with fresh eyes, free from preconceived ideas and notions about our relationship to the Lord and about our Lord himself.

But honestly, I've received more encouragement and more of the Lord through the saints themselves than I have by looking at the letter to the Ephesians. For me, the past several months have been either about being pregnant or about being a new mom--carrying her outside the womb has definitely been more of a challenge than carrying her inside! So, my "spiritual" moments have come when I'm sitting quietly with Jubilee and feeding her, when a sister drops by to bring dinner (or does my laundry, or takes care of a sink full of dirty dishes), and when a brother talks gently with Jubilee or tries lulling her to sleep with a guitar. When Paul says to the Ephesians, "blessed be the God and Father of our Lord, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places...," I am less likely to view "every spiritual blessing" as some ethereal, other-worldly thing, and now more likely to recognize the blessing of stolen, precious moments of time with the saints, my family here in Raleigh.

This does not minimize, however, how much I miss my family (my blood relatives and the church!) in Atlanta, or how much I miss the city itself. I was a military brat, and Atlanta was the first place we "settled." So, it became home in a way that no other place had, and leaving it has been much harder than I anticipated, especially as I deal with the challenges and joys of new motherhood. There have been a lot of adjustments made and space created for growth.

On a completely random note...isn't it the strangest thing the way tao is pronounced?

Jubilee Grace

2007-06-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm biased, but I have the cutest kid in the world :) Especially when she's making her "I'm having a crazy explosion in my diaper" face.

Sorry, no time to post pics, which probably means no time to post much at all in the near future.

We'll see if this blog survives.

So, I guess I'll say ciao for now.

A Sleepy Spirit

2007-05-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Come sleep! O sleep the certain knot of peace,
The baiting place of wit, the balm of woe,
The poor man's wealth, the prisoner's release,
Th' indifferent judge between the high and low;
With shield of proof shield me from out the prease [throng]
Of those fierce darts Despair at me doth throw:
O make in me those civil wars to cease;
I will good tribute pay if thou do so...

(from stanza 39, Astrophil and Stella, Sir Philip Sidney)

Sleeping well seems like a rare luxury these days, and I know it only promises to be more of a precious commodity once the baby arrives (little less than a month 'til her due date!). My size + frequent bathroom visits = tossing, turning, and a groggy Jasmin in the morning. Come sleep! Anytime, anywhere. I long for that certain knot of peace...

And yet, I want so badly to be awake. I want to be awake and aware of the movement of this life inside me, I want to savor the labor of cooking a good meal, or sitting in relatively undisturbed quiet to read, or cleaning up around the house, and even working. My mind wants to be about the business of living, but my body is asking me to slow down, take it easy, sleep...

My spirit feels sleepy as well, and I want it to be awake! Dryness isn't quite the right word to describe what I'm sensing; knotted, tied up, pre-occupied, might be right if I could make one word out of the three. A knot of peace is where I find myself. Feeling peaceful with the state of things, but there is some tension there was well. I know He isn't expecting me to be a "perfect" Christian and bathe everyone around me constantly in love, compassion, and kindness, isn't expecting me to give my all in a passionate fight for justice, the poor, and downtrodden, I don't even think He expects me to always have my eyes turned toward Him...But, that doesn't stop me from wanting these things, wanting to feel awake and aware.

The nice thing about Him though is that like any good lover, He loves without expectation or demands. He loves in total freedom and total abundance. So, I suppose that makes it easier to accept my sleepiness, knowing that it too is from Him. He gives us good and perfect gifts, so we should by all means, accept!

A church is a church of course of course of course...

2007-04-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

I can't help myself...Now, this is someone who knows true church life.

Nightmares

2007-04-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those days where I need to be reminded of what I just said yesterday...it is better to be amused than be angry.

But, I just woke up pissed off, mostly because I had a series of nightmares; it was as if every single one of my deepest fears decided to emerge from my subconscious last night.

~My husband professes his undying love and affection for someone else, but decides that he'll condescend to stay with me out of obligation

~I am a superhero, but no matter how powerful I am, my nemesis is always more powerful, and beats me at everything

~I am haunted/possessed by some kind of monster/demon

And the worst of them...

~My baby dies right before she is born and everyone blames me for it. Then the doctors proceed to tell me that she'll have to "fester" in my womb until she just disintergrates, that's the price I pay for being a bad fetal-caretaker

Aren't those terrible? And I'm one of those people that can't shake a bad dream for at least a day afterward.

So my morning is poisoned by the remnants of these nightmares. I want to kill Mike for asking me a simple question about what we were going to eat for lunch.

I don't know! I'd like to scream, sick of menu-planning and kitchen time. MAKE YOUR OWN LUNCH.

I check my email and it is full of spam and forwards. Why in the world do I give my email address out to anyone?!

Someone takes my primo parking space after I've been waiting for it for what seems like hours. You jerk!!! I shout from the privacy of the car. If only you could see that you just screwed over a pregnant lady...!

I scowl at all the happy Whole Foods shoppers when I go grocery shopping. While I'm in line checking out, the bagger girl asks me, quite innocently if I need my shopping cart anymore, ready to whisk it away. Oh you sweet, daft, hippie, can't you see that I am very pregnant, and not about to carry a bunch of bags out to my car without that lovely cart?

This is all very funny, right? I should be laughing my head off, chanting my own little mantra: It is better to amused than angry. I think God might be laughing at me a little anyway. I might as well join Him, right? Don't you have days that you feel this way?

And these darned weasels are still sitting on top of the printer. (Please don't ask.)

I'll be better tomorrow.

a little of this, a little of that

2007-04-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't posted in a looong time, but I think I have a pretty good excuse. I just haven't felt like it, and when you're pregnant, you can use this excuse to get out of doing many things. I'm not sure exactly why I even feel a responsibility to keep blogging...who's reading anyway? But here I am, feeling responsible.

Do I have special things to say? Not much. I heard the most beautiful music the other day in the car. I'm not kidding you; it made me tear up. "The Prayer of St. Greogry," Alan Hovhaness, on the album Celestial Gate. Really, it's very lovely.

Been reading a little gem by Frederick Buechner called The Storm. I've never read him before now and always meant to. I'm glad I am.

Been learning...It is much better to be amused than be angry.

This makes life so much smoother.

I mean husbands are funny creatures,
stretch marks are funny reminders,
friends who bashfully put their foot in their mouth are even funnier (and flexible),
and piping hot weasels on sticks that are perched atop our printer are just plain hilarious.

Why? I ask the gods. Why am I looking at weasels on sticks? They just laugh in response, so I must laugh as well.

Yes, much better to laugh than to sweat the small stuff. Or the big stuff even. Phil borrowed a good post about this on April 22, which I will in turn borrow and tell you to check it out!

Hm, do I have much more to spew? Not for tonight. So, I bid you adieu.

Star Trek Cribs

2007-03-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

I know this makes two blogs in one day...but I couldn't resist:

Embarrassing Moments

2007-03-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday! And though I had to begin my morning with a Dr.s appt., I am in good spirits. Lil' Jubilee is looking good, so I couldn't really ask for a better gift than that could I? I got to hear my daughter's heartbeat again on my birthday. Just awesome.

This past weekend I had a sister's sleepover for my birthday, since I figured I wouldn't be able to do anything like that in the near future. It was great fun--they really spoiled me, I had all of my favorite foods and got waited on hand and foot. We stayed up until about 4 or 5 in the morning like 6th graders.

Over the course of the evening, we played the game "never have I ever..." which was more just like, "truth" without the "dare" part. Of course, we had to tell our most embarrassing moments, and in the spirit of sharing, I thought I'd tell this story:

Two years ago, Mike and I were in Denver, Co. for the CBA (otherwise known as the "pimp your Christian wares" convention. I swear, if Jesus were to step in there, in the flesh, he'd be just as angry as he was in the temple with the money-changers.) We were gearing up to meet with several different publishers, agents, and marketing people, and just generally make as many different connections as we could. The entire week is one HUGE time to gather free books and/or stuff and sell yourself basically.

I feel absolutely awful in this kind of environment. I'm not a salesperson and I don't like "pitching" ideas or proposals. It was the first time I'd gone with an "agenda"--I was going to be pitching my novel to two or three different editors, and I was a nervous wreck. Literally. I don't know why I got so worked up, but I was seriously the most nervous I'd ever been in my entire life.

On the day that we were meeting with one of the "big" senior editors at a big publishing house, I was already so sick of telling people about myself, I didn't know if I could do it again when we had our meeting with him. (I don't know if you understand this feeling, but to me, having to constantly sell myself is super draining.) All these what ifs were floating around in my head, and the pressure was really getting to me.

*It should be mentioned that at the CBA, you have these name badges that say your name (duh), where you are from, and who you are there with (either a publisher or a retailer). When Mike and I go, we go as guests of Destiny Image Publishing, which is Pennsylvania. So our badges always say that we're with them and from PA, and when people asked about Pennsylvania or Destiny Image we'd have to explain, "well we're actually guests of the publishers who are from Atlanta and work as freelancers." Not a big deal, but kind of convoluted and a pain. If you weren't required to wear them to be on the show floor, I wouldn't bother with mine, but the big, bad, CBA bodyguards won't let you in without one.

So, on this day that I'm so nervous my bowels wanna empty themselves every 5 minutes, Mike and I were standing in line to get (yet another) book signed by the author. I finally get to the guy, who turns out to be young and pretty cute too.

(Check out his book if you want: Mike Yankoski--Under the Overpass)

We start making small talk, which was nice of him, but then again, maybe his line was just short, I don't remember. He looks at my name badge and asks, very innocently and like most everyone else already has, something like, "So you're with Destiny Image?" or "Oh so you're from Pennsylvania?"

I kind of just stared at him, this young Christian stud in a great suit and dazzling smile, and I am suddenly overwhelmed with having to answer this simple question again. I'm sure my eyes started bugging out.

Awkward silence ensues.

I finally manage to mumble something in response about the freelance writing, and I must've mentioned my book pitch because then he asks, "Oh? So, what's your book about?"

Oh God. Now I have to tell him too.

A longer moment of awkward silence ensues. He looks behind me, already dismissing me.

I know that I am about to start shaking and crying and generally making a fool of myself. He is staring back at me with that painted smile, and I wonder if he thinks I'm mildly retarded. (He was probably thinking, Aw, how cute, she thinks she can write a book...)

My hands are fluttering around, and I'm shifting my weight back and forth on my feet. "Well, my book, well...I just...I'm sorry, I can't...I don't really know how to explain it...I can't talk right now," I find myself saying frantically.

Tears start to well up in my eyes.

He responds, "That's okay. Have a blessed day." He's still smiling at me, but he kind of nods as if to say, "Okay, gotta get this freak-o through the line." He hands me back his book after he's signed it. I wonder if anyone in the line behind me has witnessed this exchange. I grab the book and dash off, looking for a quiet place to be mortified.

Mike catches up with me pretty soon, and at first he's got this bemused smile on his face. "What's wrong? Did you get nervous in front of a hot guy?" he asked me.

I did start crying then, because Mike stopped teasing me and he hurried me off the floor so we could go have lunch (where I threw back a beer and took these "calm" herbal pills, maybe not a good idea to take both at once, but I did).

You will be happy to know that I did eventually calm down, and our meeting with this particular editor went super well (after reading a sample, he gave me a standing invitation to submit my book once I was finished, which is pretty awesome and does not happen every day for first time authors w/out agents).

I still feel like I'm blushing whenever I think of that.

Here's to being ridiculous!

I am so in love

2007-03-08T08:11:00.000-08:00

with life. I mean, how can I not be?

I'm having a baby girl! And she's already so precious.

It's springtime. The tree outside our office window is budding these pretty red blooms.

My husband will empty the dishwasher for me (which I HATE doing).

The church is around me and so dear.

I can still go out late to a (smoke-free! yipee!) bar and drink cranberry juice, and then go out for pizza later.

Berries are in season.

Amy got Jubilee the cutest and sweetest dress.

No allergy problems yet.

My birthday is coming up! Can we say "mother-to-be" massages and pampering?

Work is picking up. And I get to work from home.

It's Lent, and this just gives me an "excuse" to be reminded of the Lord in special ways each day.

It's getting harder to bend over and tie my shoes, and I think this is hilarious. Good thing I can wear flip-flops soon.

Thanks Lord for good things!

V-Day

2007-02-14T07:28:00.000-08:00

It's a little strange to be celebrating Valentine's Day as a pregnant woman. I am in a completely different frame of mind now, than when celebrating as a newlywed a year ago. But I'm glad. I actually feel a lot more, TONS more, in love with my husband this year than I did then. He's been so patient and helpful as we navigate my crazy emotional waters. Hurrah for supportive and loving husbands!

Found the sweetest bassinet on Craig's list. Craig's list is awesome. It was so cheap and looks barely used.

I was in Target yesterday and saw so many women scrambling for last minute goodies for their kids to take to class (at least, I'm assuming they weren't buying the Ninja Turtle Valentines for their husbands. Actually, I'm surprised I didn't see more men in there buying last minute chocolate hearts. Well, maybe that's today). It is truly amazing how hoildays sucker us in to buy, buy, buy... And even though feeding the corporate giants isn't my idea of a true celebration, I still don't mind the fact that almost every month they've created a holiday for me. I love an excuse to reflect, to appreciate, to love, to throw a party...Would we come up with reasons to come together with family and friends if we didn't have the excuse? It may be a strange source to credit for community gathering, but I am thankful in a small way to Hallmark and their friends' gimmicks.

slavery in the movies

2007-02-07T07:30:00.000-08:00

I'm glad somebody's getting busted for this.

As I am reminded that the children in those videos were probably part of the slave trade that is still alive and well today (albeit in a different form now than in the past), I could easily be overwhelmed and disheartened. But just as quickly, I realize that I know plenty of people who are working so hard to bring this evil to light. Awareness is the first step. And what better way to get the American people's attention than movies? There are two movies coming out relatively soon that I'd like to see.

Almost 200 years ago, William Wilberforce succeeded in leading a parlimentary campaign against the transatlantic slave trade. The movie about his life, Amazing Grace, obviously takes place in the past, but I think it will serve as a good prompt for opening up discussion about our current problem with slavery. Yes, this movie is brought to us by Walden Media, the same guys who did Narnia and more recently, The Bridge to Terabithia. So, I have a feeling that Amazing Grace will be very friendly and tame. Nothing wrong with that; it's just that if you like a little edge in your movies, I doubt there will be much edge found here. I'm sure it's definitely worth seeing and then doing some research on it for historical accuracy and all that. What's the quote..."those who don't know the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them..."?

Trade, will probably be a bit grittier than AG, but no less worth seeing. It deals with slavery in our day and age. I'm just hoping that it's not so sensational that it doesn't get taken seriously.

I'd like to write more, but I'm afraid I have to wrap up this post and get to work...

family fun

2007-02-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

I woke up earlier than I normally do this morning--I should probably always be getting up at this time--and couldn't go back to sleep because my head was filled with thoughts of the upcoming day. As I watched the quality of light shift and change and felt my girl moving around inside me, I thought, I am pretty much perfectly happy in this moment. Thanks Lord for the opportunity to be still.

I've been wanting to blog about Pan's Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno) since last Sunday, but haven't gotten around to it yet. And since I've been reading a lot about vaccinations (the pros and cons), I've been meaning to post about that too.

I've been teased about having "pregnancy brain." I can't seem to focus on much else other than the baby. It was always a little awkward for me to sit through a conversation where all the other people did was talk about their kids. But now I'm afraid I'll be the worst of them all. I suppose I should just relish it and let this time in my life be exactly what it is--preparation to be a mother. There will be time to be thoughtful, to get in shape, to be a "real" writer, to be whatever it is I think I should be, in time. I'm not sure what time that will be, but there's time.

It makes me thankful in a new way for the women in my family, the mothers, who came before me, strong and beautiful, nurturing and caring, who knew (and know) what it is to be absorbed by new life.

Aren't they great...

My mom's mom. Wasn't she a dish? Her name really was Queen Elizabeth. Pretty presumptuous of her family, huh? I still remember her singing "Wade in the Water" as I watched her cook in the kitchen.

Dad's mom. This picture was taken at my wedding...the last I have before she died. We both shared a love of Tony Bennett (she got to hang out with him once too).

Me and mom! We're both rockin' the 'fro. She claims that I was always happy like this picture...let's hope I have a happy baby too.

It seems to be something of a tradition in African-American families to revere your mother above all else--men may or may not be around to be strong daddies and husbands, but the women are there, and they can handle whatever needs to be handled, still praising God along the way.

Where would we have been if God didn't create Eve?

(I just realized that question could have so many different answers...I'm not sure I want to hear what some people might come up with. And no one better dare say, "without sin," because you know that Adam was standing right there with her when she ate that fruit. I think one of the reasons why he didn't stop her is because he was curious too--he wanted to see if she was going to drop down dead like God said. He just didn't have the guts to eat it first.)

Butterball Horrors

2007-01-30T14:50:00.000-08:00

I randomly ran across Butterball's House of Horrors, and I am ashamed to admit that I laughed in the beginning of the video clip. It may have been the cheesy title (Can you take the title Butterball's House of Horrors seriously?!), or the melodramatic feel of the whole thing that got me to giggling. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to dismiss PETA, or vegetarianism, or the sad treatment of these animals at all. I do happen to love eating poultry however, so I think I've reached a happy medium between abstaining completely and succumbing to Butterball.

Mike and I buy free range/organic meat whenever possible. I know it's a little more expensive, but in the long run, I feel better about eating something that has been fed well and stressed less in its life. It would be even better if we bought from some of the local farms that we visited not too long ago...but alas, it takes much more planning to do that, and what can I say? I guess we're lazy. It's no excuse. And yet, I'm using it as one.

Time to eat...

I'm not having an alien!

2007-01-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

It's human! In fact, she's a sweet, healthy little girl who had no problems showing off during the ultrasound. She was moving around so much that the Doc had a hard time keeping up. Oh my goodness, I can't wait to meet her!

There's still the possibility of complications. Keep us in prayer please :)

I gotta get back to work...I've already spent too much time online looking at kinds of baby related things, funny how the mind gets so preoccupied.

It

2007-01-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

I get to find out what the sex of the baby is tomorrow!!!! Excitement abounds! Now I can stop referring to my child as "it."

After all, if my baby looks anything like this guy, I'll have to be put on some kind of medication in order to be able to deal...

turning to Him

2007-01-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

It snowed while we slept last night, and now the day is wrapped in shades of gray and a sullen sort of white. I see some neighborhood kids throwing snowballs at each other and wonder if they had a snow day today from school. I bet when they woke up this morning they were so excited. Night snow always seems a little magical, doesn't it? When you go to sleep, the picture outside your window is mostly the same as its always been, but snow transforms a landscape into a thing of wonder.

I'm in a little bit of funk today. I've been editing, which is normally tedious work, but today the tedium has an edge. Mike's out interviewing a client to ghostwrite a book about the history of college basketball in the Raleigh-Durham area, which is something I imagine he might be finding tedious as well. I'm finishing up an egg and cheese bagel I made, and Sufjan Stevens is weaving my background music today.

I'm in a funk, and I feel crummy. Stress, stress, stress can be such a distraction from what really matters. We've been attempting to start afresh as a church and pursue the Lord together wholeheartedly, enjoying Him by taking initiative to enjoy Him. I am excited about this, but with everything, I approach it tentatively, and try not to get my hopes up too much. In order to soften the sting of disappointment and failure, I end up ruining whatever excitement I might have.

Lord, as with everything else, I turn to you with a breath, heave myself into your lap, and know that you will take care of all.

on Barak, my baby, and adulthood

2007-01-16T14:16:00.000-08:00

Some friends and I watched a documetary last night about war, or I guess more specifically, the military-industrial complex, and afterwards we talked about potential candidates for the presidency in 2008. Check out Barak! It will be exciting to see watch this race unfold.

I found all of my old journals today. I was going through my yet-to-be unpacked boxes from the move, trying to make space in our apartment for the baby, and there they were, spanning from third grade and on. Wow. I didn't look through all of them, just some from high school and early college. For the first time, maybe ever, I felt like an adult, and this realization came with a mixture of sadness. Yes, I've gone through college, gotten married, worked, and now I'm about to have my own child, but I've still always felt a little like an imposter. But as I poured my little heart out on the page, I could see all this earnestness, naivety, and innocence. I thought, when did I become cynical and when did my heart start to harden towards God and my fellow man (and woman)?

There's got to be a cure for that type of "adulthood." Maybe my own child will help show me how to have a child-like heart again.

Speaking of the little munchkin, we like the name Aria (or Arya) too. It means melody or song, and I'm trying to find a middle name that would sound nice and means something like "of God." Any ideas?

samson

2007-01-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

So, upon Phil's suggestion, I picked up the Bible and started reading the Old Testament again. Heaven only knows when the last time was I actually sat down and read through the OT for the story of it all, and Phil is always telling me these random stories that I KNOW they skipped over in Sunday school. Looking through Judges, I found some pretty strange stuff, that I'd either completley glossed over before, or just never read.

Take for instance the story of Samson (and he's definitely not one of the stranger stories in there--I look forward to getting to those) Mr. Strength, we know. Mr. Hair, we know. Mr. Lust, we know, and Mr. Stupid (for trusting Delilah with his secret after she'd already betrayed him three times), we know. I guess I just always saw him as this big, mindless, Fabio-a-like, brute.

But how's this for ingenuity? After Samson deserts his wife (Philistine, it should be noted) for giving away a riddle, he decides that he wants her back, but she's been given to his best man. So this is how he retaliates:

And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes; and he took torches and turned the foxes tail to tail and put one torch in between every two tails. Then he set the torches on fire and sent the foxes into the Philistines' standing grain and burned up the shocks and the standing grain as well as the vineyards and the olive groves. (Judges 15:4-5 RV)

I know that this is a small detail in a much larger story, but it completely struck me that I didn't know that part of it. Samson may have been pretty hot-headed and tempestuous, and a sucker for a pretty face, but that stunt at least proves that he was creative in his revenge.

By the end of the story I got to feel pretty sorry for him. He is a slave, his eyes are gouged out, he's "entertaining" a bunch of his enemies, and he prays, once again, for vengence (which Jehovah was happy to deliver it seems). So, he gets one last, final burst of strength, and knocks the house down by its pillars, killing more Philistines with his death than he did in his lifetime. And so passes Samson, a judge of Israel for 2o years.

I think part of the reason why I feel sad for him is due to his "pawn-factor." It seems to me that Samson got a raw deal. In the beginning of the story it says, "...Jehovah was looking for an opportunity against the Philistines." (14:4) And He found that opportunity in ol' Sammy. I know that Samson was a Nazarite, called to be set apart, a special servant to God, and though he did not live in a manner worthy of his calling, God used him anyway. Isn't this what we should all wish for? To be a vessel of the Lord even when we are not "worthy"?

But let me say it again. God used him. Used him to get at the Philistines, and I feel sorry for the guy. Samson, despite some sparks of creativity he displayed, comes off as just a mindless pawn in the hands of a God who wants to get back at the enemy of His people. I know God can do whatever he wants, and that He can use whomever He wishes for whatever He wishes. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way, but generally when I think of "using" a person, it carries a negative connotation. Then again, I'm not God.

So, I guess I'm wrestling with this story some, and wondering.

It's fun, having a little impromptu Bible study. I think I'll do it some more...I'm sure we have plenty of books in our library that would jump off the shelves to give me their opinions on the matter.

no more cake

2007-01-10T18:34:00.000-08:00

My husband ate the last of this...

And I'm very sad.
How could you deny a pregnant woman her chocolate cake?

after the holidays

2007-01-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

Hubby and I went home to Atlanta for the holidays for about 2 weeks. Got to see a lot of friends and spent a decent amount of time with our families. It was great, but as our time has drawn to a close, and I feel exhaustion creeping up on me, I just want to get back to my own apartment, my own space, and my own time.

I gave up making New Year's resolutions a long time ago, but this year, I figure having a child is (and has) going to make me change anyway, so I might as well plot some out.

Speak up more
Quit sweatin' the small stuff (and even the not-so-small stuff)
Get more fresh air
Unpack all boxes and get as organized as possible before baby arrives
Feel free to do what I want

I know that last one probably sounds odd, but if you knew how much I repressed myself, you might tell me to do the same. Being "free-er" is a good goal I think.

I'm being pampered at a good friend's family's home tonight. His mom made me lamb chops, mashed potatoes and gravy, broccoli and cauliflower, and rolls for dinner, and all day I had the treat of being the biggest couch potato in the world. I feel like I have three mamas: my mom, mother-in-law, and Greenville mom. How vury nice.

On a less self-involved note, I think Jenny had a good post on the 4th about Saddam's execution.
I realized how much I didn't know about what was going on in the world when we picked up a recent Time magazine, and I glanced through it. I kept better in touch with everything when I was in college. So, that's another needed change:

Read/watch the news more often, keep up with current events

Did anybody else make resolutions this year? Does anybody else have any more baby names? Does anybody wanna give me a shout out? (because if I didn't get to see you over the holidays, I probably missed you)

An Inconvenient Truth

2006-12-13T12:24:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of the wonderful Miss Jenny, I recently saw An Inconvenient Truth, a film about global warming hosted by none other than former vice-president Al Gore. Despite (or perhaps, because of) what you may think of him, I would definitely recommend that you see this. It presented some pretty disarming facts that shouldn't be ignored. Of course, take the film with a grain of salt, do your own research, and come up with your own conclusions about global warming. I almost hate that the issue is so wrapped up in politics. I wish we could forget what "side" we're on and just care about a problem that could be destroying our earth as we know it.

And on that note, I leave you with a cartoon:

Name suggestions anyone?

2006-12-10T09:53:00.000-08:00

I know I may be alienating my male readers...sorry.

I am impatient.

I don't like thinking that I'm going to have to wait 6 more months to meet my baby. Being pregnant brings a whole new meaning to phrases like:

a pregnant pause...

pregnant with anticipation...

the pregnant silence...

It's a strange and novel feeling to be literally filled and expanding with new life. The Lord certainly has a way of depositing himself--everywhere and in everything. Just as I felt privileged to be a bride reflecting an image of the Lord's church, I feel privileged to be able to reflect an image of the Lord's expansive life. It's not always fun or comfortable, but it is probably one of the most amazing things that will ever happen to me.

So that brings me back to being impatient. Who's growing in there?!

This reminds me, we're having a hard time coming up with names. Any suggestions? (We like kind of quirky names)

good things, thanksgiving things

2006-11-21T08:56:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for...

cranberry sauce, eggnog, and stuffing (albeit not at the same time),

a home to go home to,

my chiropractor,

little, tiny, baby socks (oh-so-cute!),

turkey drumsticks (I am not ashamed to say that this is my favorite part of the turkey),

inspiring friends,

a new engine in my car,

making/shopping for gifts,

peppermint tea,

fun movies during the holidays,

and seeing people I love, love, love.

everyday spirituality

2006-11-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

Andre Dubus is one of my favorite contemporary authors. He's probably best known for a short story called "Killings" that was adapted into the film In the Bedroom. Anyhow, I'd begun reading Dancing After Hours about a year ago, didn't finish (you know how too many books on the reading list can distract you) , and just recently picked it up again to finish what I'd started. And man, did I just fall in love with his writing all over again. He treats his characters with such grace, and seems to effortlessly be able to weave the spiritual into the ordinary...Reading him again was like food for my soul. I see God popping up all throughout his words.

The story "Out of the Snow" begins with a husband (Ted) and wife (LuAnn) getting out of bed to get ready for the day ahead of them. LuAnn wakes the kids to get them ready for school then goes to the kitchen to prepare a breakfast of cinnamon toast and oatmeal for her family. Here's a quote, one of my favorite parts of the story:

She had told Ted she must learn to be five again, before time began to mean what one could produce in passing; or be like St. Therese of Lisieux, who knew so young that the essence of life was in the simplest of tasks, and in kindness to people in your life. Watching the brown sugar bubbling in the light of the flames, smelling it and the cinnamon, and listening to her family talk about snow, she told herself that this toast and oatmeal were a sacrament, the physical form that love assumed in this moment, as last night's lovemaking was, as most of her actions were. When she was able to remember this and concentrate on it, she knew the significance of what she was doing; as now, using a pot holder, she drew the pan from the oven, then spooned oatmeal into bowls her family came from the dining room to receive from her hands (177).

The small things that we do for each other are not, in fact, small things. These visible signs of grace are anything but small! Anything done in love is a holy act because you are giving a piece of God away. I like that Dubus uses the word sacrament to describe a breakfast, and I like the priestly imagery of "her family [coming] from the dining room to receive from her hands." The great thing is, we don't have to be a priest to administer sacraments, and we don't have to wait for one day of the week to give/receive them.

Beautiful, just beautiful! I love that we have a God who has woven himself into even the minutest aspects of our lives. He is so accessible, but we can make knowing him into such a struggle.

But all we have to do is turn, and he's there.

2006-11-13T17:45:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you can read that, but it says, "May the remembrance of Jesus be united to your breathing."

2006-11-12T14:22:00.000-08:00

Wow. Okay, I'm not even sure I have much to say about this other than, Gollum would've been an amazing rapper. Check out his bling. I mean, he was the king of bling for awhile. He held onto that ring for hundreds of years, right? Now if only someone would fatten him up a little, give him a little home cooking...

what makes home, home?

2006-11-11T13:01:00.000-08:00

I am homesick. It's funny because several years ago, I would've thought it was silly to want to live and settle in an area one was familiar with and that was close to family. But now that I've moved away, I find myself longing for this place called home. What is home exactly anyway? I mean, I live in community with people I love dearly, people I consider my brothers and sisters, people I consider family. I am at home with them, and yet, I keep wanting to be near the things that I'd grown accustomed to in Atlanta--family being just a short drive away, knowing my way around really well, friends who've known me since middle school, sisters with children, and a host of other things that make a geographical location near and dear to one's heart. Sometimes I think I'm being overly emotional about this, but on days like today I don't mind letting it out.

I thought growing up military had prepared me for this. I'm good at adapting. I'm good at letting go of any ties I might have (or, unfortunately, just not making them at all). Well, I guess you just never know how you're actually going to feel when the time comes.

At least we're going back for Thanksgiving. I can't wait. I've actually been dreaming about the food and being able to eat as much as I want--nausea free. I woke up in the middle of the night and said to Mike, "mango chutney," because I'd been dreaming about eating it. Oh turkey and stuffing...I'm drooling, really.

So, that's a funny note to end on, but I'm done here. Nap time.

Just Tellin' It Like It Is

2006-11-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I think I can finally announce the news since it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who should already know...

I'm pregnant! Micah, who's known about it for several weeks now, said to me last night, "Wow. It just hasn't sunk in. You two are having a baby!"

And I guess I feel the same way. It's been hard for me to really get excited since I had some complications in the beginning, and for awhile I thought I would miscarry. It was a difficult several weeks, but now that's given way to a different kind of difficultness--the normal pregnancy woes--nausea, fatigue, and I almost hate to say this, but I do miss having a glass of wine. And my emotions are on such a roller coaster. Blame the surging hormones I guess, but I could cry just because the laundry is piled as high as my expanding waist, the dishes need to get done, and don't even get me started on the state of the rest of the house...

Then nevermind the fact that work (as in, work that will give us money in return) still needs to be done, and I never feel like cooking now so we eat out a lot (and this makes me feel bad for the baby), and oh yeah, once upon a time I was working on a novel...

You may laugh and say, "Wake up and smell the coffee sweetie. This is life," and you'd be right. I wish I could laugh at myself, but the truth is, I am so afraid.

I am afraid of having to give myself away, so completely and so totally to this little life that will be dependent on me.

I am afraid I won't get to grad school, and I'll stop writing.

I am afraid I haven't been a wife long enough to know how to be a wife and a mother.

I am afraid of being the only one of my friends that's a mom and of being in a new city where I don't know any other moms.

I am afraid of a world that will consist of messy diapers, sleepless nights, crying, spitting up, and sore breasts and bad hair for mom.

But I have been reminded that I don't have the baby yet, and once I do, that will change everything.

So in a way, I can't wait for the time to be up, and I get to meet this little person who's going to change my life.

I get to fall in love again.

That's something to be excited about.

tears

2006-11-05T11:32:00.000-08:00

This may sound strange, but I think it's good to see other people cry. I'm not happy that their emotions are bringing them to tears, but there's just something so moving and humanizing about watching someone cry. You are catching a glimpse of their vulnerability, and the tears soften them somehow. Tears of pain can be so beautiful because they are a physical representation of someone's being, their real self open and exposed to you. I think I might sound off-kilter in a creepy, voyeuristic way, and hey--maybe I do. I just think it's a good thing to see others let their guard down (and of course it's good for me to do the same).

2006-10-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

I've been going through a lot these past several weeks, and I know my entire life has changed, will change, keep changing.

Yet still, God is with me and in it all--the pain and the joy. The Lord is good, and his love endures forever.

decrease

2006-09-29T15:39:00.000-07:00

It's been about two weeks since I've done any shopping of any kind. We're low on funds after our move and having to wait until next month before we see any significant increase in our bank account. I've gotten very creative with food stored in our pantry and freezer, and Mike's thinking about growing his hair long again since he's been so long without a haircut. I was remarking to Jenny the other afternoon that I almost don't even feel human because I haven't been shopping.

Isn't this AWFUL?

I didn't know that the craving was so strong inside of me.

And yet, I was thinking about how staying out of the stores has weakened my desire to consume, consume, consume. We don't have cable (or even a good antenna), so I haven't been harangued by commercials who are trying to make feel incomplete without their product; I haven't been in a store to check out their sales or pick up that little item that I always forget to buy and always "need"; I honestly can't think of that little list that's usually in the back of my mind of things that I "need" for myself, or for the apartment, or for Mike. My needs are met.

The Lord is such a Provider. The most I want right now that isn't a necessity might be a good glass of wine and perhaps a movie, and because He is amazing and the church is amazing, I'm walking to the next apartment building over to the Tinksters, where they have invited us to partake of just that.

I'd never really thought of myself as a "stuff" person. I'm not a packrat; I like to throw things away, give away clothes, and I don't spend that much time shopping when I have the money to do it. But maybe most Americans are "stuff" people without even realizing it, no matter how neo-hippie, progressive, or bohemian, they consider themselves to be. Our lives could be so much simpler if we let them be.

expectation

2006-09-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

I'd really like to know everyone's (anyone's?!) opinion on the nature of expectation in relationship. Should expectations always be put to death, is it healthy to have a certain amount of expectation, are expectations wrong and destructive, or can they be useful? I suspect that, like everything else in life, there are no black and white answers to these questions, and I'm willing to entertain the gray.

Thoughts?

some life notes

2006-09-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

It's a new day, and I'm happily munching on some pumpkin bread (my favorite!!!) Jenny baked for me and sipping some Earl Grey. The work day has gotten off to a slow start, but I think that's okay. The apartment is quiet, and I could just bathe in the stillness, the way a girl stretches herself out under the sun's warm rays.

This weekend was great. The church's beginnings here were simply and wonderfully centered on knowing Christ. Love, freedom, and grace--is there any better way to live than inside these things? Is there any better way to live than inside Him? I think not.

I've felt the creative embers stirring again, which has been and will be terrific. All the upheaval and change, missing family and friends, enjoying new family and the Lord, re-visiting some old heartaches, discoveries and conversations...all this has added to the warm, aromatic stew that's brewing within me. I've gotten the chance to read a lot too (who knows how that's managed to occur), and I'm slowly remembering how words have the power to change and give life.

straining for spring

2006-09-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

This is the kind of poem that never would've made it in the old college creative writing workshops. Oh well. I'm free to write bad poetry now. :)

We’ve loved through the changing seasons
when we bloomed abundance, dripping sap
and honey, petals blossomed and open
wide. Even now in this early winter
when leaves brown and curl, falling
on the wind to settle in heaps around
us as a testimony of what came before,
we speak of love.

But I fear ice came too soon, making brittle
a thing once supple and limber.
We are naked, stripped barren
limbs stark against a graying winter sky.
When warmth melts down into our roots
again, will I remember how to bring
forth life? Will I unfurl the beauty
within or remain cocooned in frost?

Perhaps I have no choice
to do what is only natural.
And through this ancient cycle
we speak of love, our straining
for spring.

eek!

2006-08-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

This is, quite literally, my worst nightmare.
I think I might have something like this.

love questions

2006-08-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

Why is it that loving someone is inextricably tied up with the pain they bring to you as well? Why do men think that they can always have it their way, and women think that they can change them? Is this just the nature of relationship? Why do we struggle with each other so?

a tree's visit to a church

2006-08-22T12:44:00.000-07:00

I've been in and out of airplanes, trains, and airports the past several weeks and had many, many hours to kill, so I finished Cellophane and got halfway through Talk Talk. The first 30-40 pages of Cellophane were a little slow moving and hard to wade through, but it picked up from there into the story of Don Victor Sobrevilla, an engineer intent on building a cellophane factory in the middle of the Amazon. The following excerpt begins with Don Victor's aunt telling him a story when he was a child about a rather mystical tree that began growing in a church:

"They hadn't planted it, they hadn't watered it, and yet there seemed to be something mystical about its visitation. Time passed and a crack appeared in the ceiling of the church where the branches pressed up against it. Some nights later, the monks awoke in their beds to the crash of falling plaster...Hurrying up the narrow stair, they witnessed the most marvelous thing of all: The tree was straining toward the sun, which was just peering over the rim of the mountain, and the church walls were as open as a broken eggshell, cleft, and gaping in awe...

A man-made thing, no matter how sacred we think it is, is nothing compared to a tree. Even a church is a mere structure like any other. In the face of magnificent creation, man's symbols are paltry things" (Arana, 41).

When I read that I thought--

A church building is nothing compared to the freely growing, organic, Life of the body of Christ. We who make up the Church, the Body, can be found reaching for the Light, and breaking down walls, inviting the Light to spread over all.

Isn't a tree such a beautiful image?

tales from so-cal

2006-08-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Quick, quick overview of life on my planet...

Mike and I are in Califorina, meeting and connecting with awesome people. We just finished a conference called Soliton which was hosted by a church called The Bridge out in Ventura. The conference explored the concept of human hospitality and what that could look like in different contexts amongst the church and around the world. Shane Claiborne was there, and even though I've already read Irresistible Revolution, it was great to get to hear him personally tell the stories again. If you haven't read it, go pick it up, especially if you are interested in social justice issues. I was inspired and excited to see what the Lord can do in my new neighborhood in Raleigh. We can be agents of change to those around us, and it is as simple and as hard as reaching out in Love.

On a similar note, Si Johnston was also at the conference (who I must say is quite a charming guy from Northern Ireland, who isn't a sucker for an accent? If only I could say "cheers" as a goodbye with such authenticity), and he led a presentation about human trafficking and the current slave trade. It's still quite alive and well today. As I learn more and get involved, I'm sure I'll be discussing this much more. Si's started a group called Protest 4 if you want to check it out. Actually, I urge you to check it out. C'mon. Do it!

So, that's it in a nutshell...although we also got to meet with Regal Books while we were out here and will soon be heading out to Saddleback to do some research for a client we're ghost-writing a book for. And we also spent some time with a lovely sister who's also out here in Ventura.

We're busy little bees. It's been great, but I can't wait for September...we'll be getting settled in our new home and hopefully not travelling at all!

sorry if i'm boring you but...

2006-07-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

I just got several new books, and I feel like a kid with a new bike. So besides finishing up Mountains Beyond Mountains, this is what I'll be diving into for awhile:

A Circle of Quiet is the first in a series of memoirs by Madeleine L'Engle. I read A Wrinkle in Time when I was a kid and never really thought much about reading her again until Walking on Water, a beautiful book on faith and art. The title of this one is what allured me...

I picked up Cellophane to review for the Sonora Review. It seems very promising, and I'm excited to broaden my horizons of Latin American reading beyond Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green sounded fun. This may seem weird, but I'm a sucker for those boys coming-of-age tales. I'd never heard of Joshua Braff, Zach Braff's (of "Scrubs" and "Garden State" fame) brother, until now, so we'll see if he can write.

And last but not least...Talk Talk is by one of my favorite authors, T.C. Boyle. He is usually so bizarre and quirky--I can't wait to read this one.

So, besides also pouring through Tom Wright's (or N.T., whatever you feel like calling him I suppose) "Everyone" New Testament commentaries, I think that's all on the reading list for now. You never know what might pop up though.

Yay for me and my nose in a book!

Anybody out there reading some good stuff?!

bellydancing=good for the soul

2006-07-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

So I heard Rob Bell (of Velvet Elvis fame) speak in Atlanta several nights ago, and I thought he was great. One of my favorite things he reminded me of was that God is a pleasure seeker. He encouraged us to take time off for a true sabbath, true rest where we live in the present moment and do things that we enjoy. Things good for the soul.

Bellydancing in a Greek restaurant on a tabletop is good for the soul.

(and no, I was not "under the influence" while said bellydancing occurred...it was Bethany's bachelorette party, and that sort of thing was highly encouraged at this place)

mood enhancing fruit

2006-07-20T14:22:00.000-07:00

AAAHHH! How does anyone have time to work a nine-five job? There's so much other stuff to do...If and when I quit freelancing, I won't know what to do with myself.

I think I've discovered my new favorite breakfast food/snack.

Low-fat yogurt with granola and blueberries (or raspberries!). It is oh-so yummy, in fact I am eating some right now. You should try it. The fruit is a real mood-enhancer. Oh how raspberries make me happy.

What's your mood-enhancer?

mountains beyond mountains

2006-07-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

I am in the middle of reading Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder (a literary journalist I L-O-V-E). It is the story of Harvard educated Dr. Paul Farmer, a man dedicated to bringing decent healthcare to the world's poorest of the poor in Haiti. In this excerpt, Kidder relates Farmer's thoughts on faith:

"The fact than any sort of religious faith was so disdained at Harvard and so important to the poor--not just in Haiti but elsewhere, too--made me even more convinced that faith must be something good..."

In the peasant phrase, an unnecessary death was a "stupid death," and he was seeing a lot of those.

"Surely someone is witnessing this horror show?" he'd say to himself. "I know it sounds shallow, the opiate thing, needing to believe, palliating pain, but it didn't feel shallow. It was more profound than other sentiments I'd known, and I was taken with the idea that in an ostensibly godless world that worshipped money and power or, more seductively, a sense of personal efficacy and advancement, like at Duke and Harvard, there was still a place to look for God, and that was in the suffering of the poor. You want to talk crucifixion? I'll show you crucifixion..."

A place to look for God. In the poor. The world's forgottens and castoffs. Those living in ruins.

Something about this rings so true for me, and yet something else shines forth as well. Looking for God, searching for something holy and spiritual in this material world, doesn't have to go further than visiting my neighbor.

First of all, there are those right here in my city, my neighbors, who are in great need, and there are steps I can take to lend a hand. The first baby step, the easiest, and somehow the hardest thing to do, is to just say hello.

Second of all, I am blessed enough to live in a neighborhood with other believers, and all I have to do is walk down the street to hear them speak the voice of my Lord.

I am finding that walking in his Spirit doesn't have to be some ethereal, metaphorical kind of thing. Just take a walk down the street. Say hello. See where he leads you.

midnight discoveries

2006-07-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

I recently had an experience I thought I would share. Mike and I have been in Indiana for his best friend Seth's wedding where Mike was the best man. I've known Seth and his family for as long as I've known Mike (since I was around 14 or 15), so it was definitely a joy to be able to help them celebrate. But despite the happiness that surrounds a soon-to-be-married couple, stress shows up to have its say in the matter. I know everybody knows what I'm talking about, right?

So anyway, I'm going throughout the days leading up to the wedding glad to be able to help Laura when I could (that's Seth's now-wife), feeling lonely at times (Mike was busy doing best man/groom things most of the time), and just plain emotional, because I'm tired from traveling, and stressed about the upcoming month in general (directly after the wedding we flew to Denver for work, then came back home where we will be packing up, going to another wedding, and moving to NC). Well its a wedding. Do I really need an excuse to feel emotional?

As we were wrapping up a dinner/chill time with the rest of the Irby family, we stopped on the way home to a local grocery store for some toiletries. It's around 11:30 or midnight, and as aforementioned, I am tired and a little cranky. The last place I want to be is stopping at a grocery store.

The cashier that rung us up was a girl who at first glance I took to be in her late thirties. The store was empty, and there's just something about a lone girl at a cash register late at night that makes me sad. I felt rough, but she seemed to be feeling even worse. When I looked closer I noticed that her skin wasn't lined with any telltale wrinkles and her long, blond, ponytail-ed hair was free of gray strands. When I really look I see that she is young, perhaps my age, or younger.

Something tells me to ask her how she's doing. She told Taylor (Irby clan) and I that her day wasn't going that well--her boyfriend seemed to be on his way to Iraq, and to top it all off, her knees hurt. I felt something in my spirit quicken. Pray for her. I tried to shrug off the feeling. Wouldn't she think I was crazy if I asked her if I could pray for her?

Taylor and I almost get out the door when we turn to each other. "Do you think we should pray for her?" she asked me.

"I got the same feeling," I told her. "Will she think we're crazy though?" (As you can tell, I am not in the habit of doing this sort of thing)

"What can it hurt?"

So, Taylor and I turned back around and sheepishly asked the cashier if we could pray for her. She agreed, and to my surprise, she started to cry.

"This really meant a lot to me," she mumbled through her tears. Thank you," she whispered when we were finished.

I wish we could've had time to talk to her some more and find out her story and just listen. But I think it was important that we saw this girl, I mean really SAW her, looked at her, and cared.

I'm just thankful that I had a sister with me who helped "validate," if you will, what I knew in my spirit. If not for her, I don't think I would've gone back.

Sorry to get sentimental on you, but here's to the church...to two or more gathered in his name...to family...to the Lord's binding ties of love.

some wedding pics

2006-07-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I'm just now getting some pictures back from the wedding, and I can't help wanting to share some of them. Also, I finally got my scanner fixed, so I can upload pictures now...(sadly, we live without a digital camera). SO, anyhow, well, there it is.

*photos taken by Emily Davis

*and in case your eye is keen enough...one of these pictures was taken on my actual wedding day, and others were taken, well later. Call it post-bridal shots.

stand by your man

2006-06-30T12:20:00.000-07:00

So, I'm happily married to this guy. It comes in waves, this realization. It might sound strange to say that being happy is a realization, but it is. Each day I learn to appreciate something new, or even familiar, about him. Take for instance, his persistance. He is tenacioulsy persistent. Sometimes this is pesky. Sometimes this is so irritating I want to scream (and, to my shame, quite frequently do). But, he knows what he wants, and I admire him for going for it in the face of dissuasion. It's a little scary though, sometimes he is alarmingly similar to this guy:

I have no doubt he will succeed in his grand ambitions, and I'm here for the long haul. You gotta stand by your man, right?

my derailed thought train

2006-06-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

So it occurred to me several nights ago while sitting in a bar in Athens for Athfest that I really enjoy alcohol, the great and wonderful social lubricant. For some people, lowering their level of inhibition is most definitely NOT a good thing, however for me, I rather enjoy not caring about what slips out of my mouth, worrying over words, being so careful with my speech. I don't mean this to be an ode to alcohol, and don't worry, I talked with Phil and determined that since I don't 1)have an addictive sort of personality or 2)have alcoholism in my family, I am in no real danger of becoming a lush.

Alcohol was never a taboo in my home; it was simply not around much. Then when I started hanging around Presbyterians, I saw, hey, some Christians drink, enjoy themselves, and it's okay. College was just an extension of that, and so, as I began this post, a few nights ago I found myself in a bar in Athens, highly enjoying several glasses of wine.

But interruption, after interruption has occured, and I had such good intentions for this post that have now fled my mind, free as birds to soar in the great realm of lost thoughts. When you live in a house with another writer who also happens to be obsessed with the Internet, and there is only one computer, somebody's gotta make some sacrifices.

So here I am, woe is me, sacrificing my train of thought. Just wait till kids enter the picture, right?

anger, part 2

2006-06-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

So, I thought long and hard about being angry. Why do I feel it bubbling just under the surface more often than not? Why do I let myself become bitter? Why do I have such a hard time with forgiveness?

I think part of the reason could be that my first encounter with an overwhelming anger occured before I'd even reached my teenage years, due to circumstances beyond my control. So helplessness, combined with anger, seems to have produced a very nasty chain reaction...I've never known quite how to deal with the painful things of life. So, here I am, in my mid-twenties, wondering when I'll finally lose that last screw holding it all together.

It's not really the anger that I'm so angry with, it's always how I choose to deal with it. I'm more angry with myself than anyone or anything. I've talked myself out of being angry with God, and the people and things that have hurt me throughout the years are just people, just things. Hurt happens. Ultimately, they can't be "blamed." I am only responsible for myself. So, I can definitely blame me.

And, it must be my spirit piping up..."there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

2006-06-14T18:40:00.000-07:00

ANGER.

Will I ever be rid of it?

roasting hotdogs

2006-06-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to return a movie to Blockbuster when I decided to take a shorcut down an old road that speaks of neglect. My tire found its way into more than one pothole as I passed an abandoned CPA's office building. There are some patches of weeds and overgrown grass along the roadside, as well as several forlorn homes that appear in need of some energetic, young couple bent on re-modeling.

In the South, you can almost literally say that a church building lines every street corner. So, there should be no surprise that I passed one as I drove, and since I take a rueful sort of delight in reading church signs, I made sure to drive by this church slowly.

Where will you be after Judgement Day?

Huh. I often wonder who believes statements (well, in this case a question) such as these are supposed to be inspiring or heart-changing.

"Well, I'll be roasting hotdogs (the kosher kind!) and knocking back some beers with Jesus, how about you?" I would've loved to respond to whoever put that sign up.

I don't really wish to bash institutional Christianity, but when I see things like that I feel a mixture of quiet mortification and sadness. One sign I saw read:

This Sunday, Jesus, A Special Guest

Well where is he every other Sunday of the year?

I don't think I'm in the mood to go on about everything that's wrong with our dysfunctinal Christian family. I just know that it's my family, and like any family, there are problems. But there's also big love and strong hands that unify us, if only we had the courage to really know it.

feasting gnats

2006-06-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

So, despite the gnats mulitplying faster than jackrabbits in my house (which I don't understand, what could they possibly be feasting on?!!!), I am feeling content. I love the life God has given me to live, I love my husband, and I love good food.

Sometimes, I complain and take it for granted, but the Lord really has shown us such unbelievable kindness these past few months, and though my hubby and I may argue and eat each other's leftovers and bicker about whether the fan in our bedroom stays on at night or not (I am always soundly for it), we are so happy to be together. So that leaves my appreciation of a good meal. This may be my ultimate downfall in fighting the battle of the bulge, but there's almost nothing better than sauteed veggies, chicken, cheese, and something chocolate for dessert. And don't forget that glass of wine. Yum.

On a shallow-er note, but in keeping with my appreciation of good things in life...My friend Anne and I got to be extras in the movie, We Are Marshall, which is currently filming in Atlanta. It stars none other than the adorable and charming, Matthew McConaughey, who I think I underappreciated until now. I got lucky, and he was so close beside me, I could've touched him, but didn't. (Awww....man! Even stars deserve private space, right?) I think the man is even better looking in person than he is on the screen. Oh what good times we had yesterday.

Yes, good times.

Oh yeah, and since I just finished reading The Da Vinci Code (I caved and read it) and Irresistible Revolution, I was looking for new books and several got dropped in my lap, and I also found new stuff to appreciate in my own library (which is nothing to sniff at if you haven't seen it).

So, yes, good times.

domestic duties

2006-05-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

Just got back from doing the domestic duty of grocery shopping...This morning, while I laid in my bed, read and wrote, my husband fielded early morning calls from random people asking random things, dealt with the pest control guy (we have termites! thank God we don't own this place), and the a/c guy (our air conditioning decided to quit working right when it starts to get H-O-T). So after all that, I decided, the least I could do was go stock up on some grub.

And I realized while I was shopping that we don't eat about half, maybe even more, of the stuff sold in the grocery store. Both of us are trying to lose weight, so sweets were out, but even beyond that, all of the processed, packaged, chemical-laden stuff just held no appeal. It's like I don't even consider it food anymore.

It's occured to me that life by the flesh is like that--I can't even consider it life anymore. Little by little my spirit is set freer and freer (that word looks so funny!). Freer. Ha.

eat some fruit

2006-05-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

Went on a hike this morning with a sister, and it was so wonderful. The woods have always been a place of mystery and adventure for me and today was no different as we chose "the trail less travelled" and began our walk. In the woods you find life in all of its wild, green, abundance, and I love to just take it all in.

It was especially encouraging for me just to hear this sister's stories and listen to the life she's lived. We are all so different and unique, and yet underneath all of our stories, is one story, his story, that he's written across our hearts.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately--I don't know that the Lord always does what we think of as "right," but he is life. I can recognize with my mind that I am free in Christ and no longer bound by the law, and my heart would like to do likewise, but sometimes...the law is just easier than life.

And yet, the Lord's life is an intoxicating fruit. It may not look appealing, but the taste is unparalleled.

it's official

2006-05-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

So I've finally "officially" relinquished my maiden name for a new one. My license is changed, my social security card is changed, and my check card/bank account is changed. I feel a little sad that I didn't at least keep a vestige of my old last name, like hyphenation or ditching my middle name for my maiden one. But, changing my name was a little like shrugging out of an old coat on the first day of spring. The coat was comfortable, yes, and familiar, but now I'm enjoying the warmth of sunlight and a fresh breeze on my skin.

Thank you Lord for transitions and seasons.

take delight

2006-05-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

I completely disagree with the statement, "live every day as if it's your last." (Or, "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you die," to borrow from Solomon.)

If that were the mantra by which I lived, I would most certainly be very fat and very broke, very quickly.

Rather, I think we should live each day as if it's our first-- being open to growth and learning, being conscience to take care of our bodies, and by being delighted to be here.

Mike likes to remind me, particuarly while I'm driving (hey--I think of myself as a GOOD driver. I've never gotten any tickets, or been in an accident. And no, a runaway dump truck tire hurtling across I-20 and damaging my vehicle does NOT count as an accident. That was a freak of nature.) that "we could die at any moment."

I guess that's true. But when you're born, or in the case of Christ, reborn, it seems like death would be the last thing on your mind. In Little Women (at least the movie with Winona Ryder [where'd she go anyway?!], sadly I've never read the book), Jo (or is it Marmie?) quotes de Bible, and even though I'd read it before, somehow coming from the lips of a celebrity, it managed to strike me in a different way. "We're being transformed by the renewing of our minds."

Transformational. Renewal. The very mind of Christ. Live the first day every day. Take delight in your life.

Sounds lovely, right?

Then why, oh why, is it so hard?

I am reminded of the lowly little caterpillar, crawling around, perhaps on your car or windowsill, living his caterpillar life. Then, for whatever reason, instinct I guess, he spins his cocoon. And when the time is right, he emerges, transformed, a new creation.

I'm still relating more to the time spent inside that cocoon (of my own making, just like good ol' furry crawler). I'm stuck there. I wonder how many caterpillars don't turn into what they're supposed to, how many of them become mutants who make the insect world cringe instead of admire when they squirm by?

Okay, so maybe I'm taking this metaphor a little too far. I guess I'm just longing for this transformation and renewal to feel like a reality. I know feelings aren't everthing, but in this case, it would be nice.

I want to take delight. It's the only way to live.

That's my name, don't wear it out

2006-05-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

My pirate name is:

Mad Bess Bonney

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

five control freak tipoffs

2006-05-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

To be fair...

You know you've got a control freak on your hands when...

1. She immediately picks up anything you happen to put down, whether it be the keys or the remote, because she is insanely fearful of said items being lost by you

2. You try to clean the kitchen in an act of kindness, but she pushes you out because she wants to make sure things get "clean-for-real."

3. Her closet is color coded

4. She gets a little crazy when the ketchup and salad dressing aren't placed on the correct shelf in the refigerator

5. She rearranges the pillows on the bed you've made because they just didn't look right

and a sixth just for fun...

6. She goes absolutely bonkers when you don't replace the empty toilet paper roll.

*I don't mean to imply by this that a "control freak" is automatically a feminine trait. I just couldn't think of anything anologous to "metrosexual" that applied to the circumstances.

five metrosexual tipoffs

2006-05-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

You know you've got a metrosexual on your hands when...

1. He takes as much (or more) time in front of the mirror as you do

2. Your bath products are not safe from his usage (particuarly the high intensive moisturizing shea butter scrub)

3. He is way more sentimental than you, and would greatly enjoy taking a scrapbooking class

4. He owns triple the amount of clothes and shoes

5. Showering for twenty mintues is the minimum amount of time needed for maximum cleanliness

I am...

2006-05-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

feeling lost (and I'm not talking about lost in Christ, I mean just plain LOST),

hoping I will sleep tonight,

feeling Asian (yay for Japanese themed parties at my house and black eyeliner!),

a little hungry,

learning love, and

wanting more.

all kinds of things

2006-05-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

I keep hearing strange noises all over the house, but I am home alone for a few days. And I am paranoid. I have a habit of psyching myself out. So, if you're in my neck of the woods, you might be getting a visit from me...

I'm loving Pandora, even if my music station entitled "Girl Power" has been playing men all day. Check it out.

I just read an article in Creative Loafing about Atlanta being a hotspot for child prostitution. Honestly, I wish I hadn't read it. I know it's good to be informed and raise awareness, but I only feel angry and helpless and hopeless when I see evidence of such evil in the world. And not just the "world" in a vague, "out-there" kind of way, the world, as in my backyard. I ask why, knowing I won't get an answer. Maybe that's the wrong question anyway.

I want to know why the love of Christ can become so stale and impotent within us.

I want to know why the world isn't being changed by the passionate force that is his love.

Oh, I know there are little, and not so little, ways his love is working everywhere. There are people (like the Open Door) who are making a radical difference in the lives of those suffering in their neighborhoods.

But I have this image in my head of a little girl whose life is in ruins because she was kidnapped, or ran away, and picked up by a pimp. Thinking about just that one child is enough to tear my heart apart.

I want love to do more, be more, I don't know...have more of a presence in my life, the lives of those around me, the life of the world.

just some thoughts

2006-04-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry to subject you to poetry that would probably be best kept for my private journal...just some scribblings that help me sort through my thoughts, which lately, have been very mundane, and looked something like this:

I have a whole day before me...I could work on my novel

Eww, but there's laundry piling up to my waistline. I'm short, but that's still too high for the laundry basket.

Okay, I could work on my novel now

I guess I have to accept the fact that my husband's side of the bed might always be littered with papers, books, some dirty socks, and/or an empty cup or two.

Well, do I even have that much to say?

It's time for lunch.

Lord, you're here for this, right?

Gotta clean up the kitchen.

I wonder if I should be studying for the GRE I need to actually work on applying to the grad schools I'm interested in

Dropping ten pounds when I love ice cream and carbohydrates is next to impossible.

I hate PMS.

Dang it, I'm being such a...a...WOMAN.

Okay, here's a blank page. Start writing, one-two-three...go!

Lord?

Those hairs on the bathroom sink won't clean themselves up.

Dinnertime soon.

Aw...he offered to help do the dishes.

Maybe we'll get to bed early tonight... :)

Some of my classmates already have their Master's degrees. I've been out of school for two years now.

Lord, am I wasting my time, my talents--your gifts to me?

I like cooking a meal my husband enjoys.

Another day is almost over.

I appreciate that sunset Lord.

Thanks.

deeper still

2006-04-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

Sand between my toes
at the water's edge
I should wade in, I know.

The water raises bumps
across my skin and I
begin to hear the call--deeper.

The waves are topped
with creamy froth
and force me to go under.

Beneath the surface
it's like a dream
and I am filled with wonder.

I glow with muted sun
light and find that
I can breathe.

So deeper still
I swim and see
that I believe

it's possible to live
in depths of
splendor and fall

in love with swimming,
and searching,
and answering the call:

Deeper still.
Further in.
There's more of him.

How to Be Good

2006-04-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

It took me all of three days to finish Nick Hornby's novel, How to Be Good. Even though About a Boy ranks as one of my top three favorite movies, I'd never read a book by Hornby until now. It was a quick and easy read, but not without wit, humor, and depth. It raises some great questions that are especially relevant to me as I try and figure out how to not just be good, but live out the life of Christ within me.

Now, onto the next book...

missing him

2006-04-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

My heart is crying out for something...the frustrating thing is, I just can't identify what that something might be.

I know I need the Lord. But telling myself, "I need the Lord," doesn't help me get past this feeling that I'm missing him somehow.

Maybe I just miss my brothers and sisters, maybe I need to get my pen out and start writing creatively more often, maybe I should pick up that new Ezra Pound I just bought and read some of that...

It's a disconcerting feeling, not really knowing what to do with oneself. I feel like I'm floating, skimming the surface of something I'd rather be exploring the depths of. The ocean is beautiful from the surface, but just think about what can be discovered that lay hidden beneath.

I am thirsty, and this is not a bad place to be.

I am glad the Lord is using whatever circumstances he desires to draw me closer to him. Life is good, and yet he is giving me the desire for more...more...more..of him.

another survey

2006-04-25T16:23:00.000-07:00

Because I can't think of a post...or maybe I just don't want to share my deepest, darkest feelings on a public forum...or maybe because I just can't get enough of these things lately...who knows, but here goes...

What time did you get up this morning?
11:30. Please don't judge me. I have many (yes, legitimite) reasons for sleeping in this time.

Diamonds or Pearls?
black pearls

What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
V for Vendetta, and I really want to go see, Thank You for Smoking.

What did you have for breakfast?
A carrot my husband made me eat.

What is your middle name?
Elish. Like Alisha, except without the "uh" sound the "a" makes at the end.

What is your favorite cuisine?
I love to eat, but if I had to pick a fave, it would probably be homemade Italian.

What food do you dislike most?
Sardines. Little oily fish in a can make me want to vomit.

Your favorite potato chip?
Harvest Cheddar Sunchips. All day. Every meal. Ha.

What is your favorite type of vehicle?
Do Arabian stallions count as a vehicle? Maybe back when Ford was still in diapers.

What characteristics do you despise?
Lying. Manipulation.

What are your favorite clothes?
Okay here are my faves, in no particular order:
1. Loose, billow-y skirts or dresses
2. No clothes at all (yipee!)
3. PJs
4. jeans and a t-shirt (and a sweatshirt if it's cold out)

Favorite time of day?
Waking up to my husband. Even if we fought the night before, I still love waking up and seeing him there.

Favorite sport to watch?
Bring on the basketball or ice hockey.

What did you want to be when you were little?
I briefly considered being a football player or a jockey, but that was before I realized these were primarily male-dominated careers. But, ever since third grade I've wanted to be a writer in some form or fashion.

Nicknames?
Jazz, Jazzie, Jazzercise, DJ Jazzie Jeff, scrumbledumpkins.

Spirit Animal?
A peacock. And that better be because its a beautiful and exotic animal, NOT because its vain.

Piercings?
If I don't end up getting a normal job, or have a job that doesn't care, I'll probably get a small nose piercing

Ever been toilet papering?
Of course, isn't that a staple teenage prank? (well I guess I've done it while in my 20s too)

Favorite flower?
Gardenias. They smell wonderful.

Favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick-fil-A.

How many times did you fail your drivers test?
I never had a learner's permit, but I passed the first time I took it.

Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
OOOh, okay. Borders because I could buy books, movies, and music there OR Banana Republic

Bed time?
It's been between 12 and 1:30 these days.

Last person you went to dinner with?
The last person I had a meal that might've been dinner with was Mike, but the last people I most definitely went to dinner with were Jared, Leanne, and Amy (after Leanne made me cry because she and Jared were singing about balls. what kind of balls, I will leave up to your imagination)

What is your favorite color?
Purple or blue, it's a toss up.

How many tattoos do you have?
None. I can't find a symbol or picture that I'd be committed to putting on my body for the rest of my life. If I do though...we'll see.

family

2006-04-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know if there are people on this earth that I love more than Mike's extended (and now mine too) family. I just went to the 80th birthday celebration of his great aunt, affectionately called "Dunay," and it just feels great to be in a room surrounded by sassy, fiesty Italians. They may call each other fat asses, curse you up and down in a rapid string of Italian words I shudder to tranlsate, and inform you rather forcefully that you need to finish all of the food on your plate or else, but the bond between all of them is like something I've seen in a movie ("My Big Fat Greek Wedding" comes to mind), but never actually experienced. I love being a part of them (and I think Mike's grandpa, who is also kind of "other" since he's Polish, has a soft spot for me :) With them, food, high volume, and laughs are always in abundance, and I love it.

Speaking of food in abundance, last week Jennifer, Mike, and I visited to the Open Door Community in Atlanta to help serve in their soup kitchen. I didn't realize that you could have so much fun handing out bowls of soup, baskets of bread, and pitchers of ice tea and water. The best thing about the experience was being able to give people as many bowls of soup or sandwiches, or pieces of bread that they wanted. Everyone left full (and the food was really good too!).

What strikes me about both experiences are the similarities that can be found between them. You might not expect a birthday lunch at Maggiano's to be anything like lunch with the homeless, but at the Open Door, there is that same sense of a familial, loving bond.

There will probably be more on this to come...but right now there is work piling up, and cleaning to do, and a host of other things calling me away from the computer...

(Oh yeah, since I needed yet another online distraction, I was finally persuaded to start a Myspace profile)

my spontaneous schedule

2006-03-23T10:09:00.000-08:00

Don't know what to blog about...my life seems to have settled into a strange kind of spontaneous schedule. I get up late every day to my cute and cuddly husband, we cook sometimes, sometimes we run out for a bagel or smoothie, we write/work, I find something to scrap up for a late lunch, we might work out, we run to the library to write/work some more, we might hang out or meet up some of the church, we watch "Alias" on DVD (I've been catching him up lately...we're on season 2), we go to bed late. Or, we might do something else entirely with our day, we never know.

It sounds wonderful doesn't it?

It is.

Dumps

2006-03-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

Isn't it a marvelous coincidence that you can be in just the right place, at just the right time for a bird to take a dump on your windshield? Ah, the wonders of nature.

But seriously, why do "emotional dumps" seem to happen all at once? And right when you don't have any windshield wiper fluid to take care of them?

Mike and I had dinner last night with someone close to me who I haven't seen in a very long time, and it was difficult. To top that off, we'd been quarreling (I like that word better because it sounds less like fighting and more like hunting small birds, which could be fun) for most of the day beforehand. I'm afraid that it's easiest for me to bottle my emotions up instead of dealing with them and finding the Lord in them. So, right now is a particuarly tough time for us.

On a brighter note, here are some pictures from our wedding taken by Emily Davis, friend of olde. Just click on the Mike&Jasmin link and you're in!

If you have any useful ways of handling the dumps, lay 'em on me.

In love

2006-03-06T09:40:00.000-08:00

Babies who are born blind still know how to smile. Isn't that amazing?

I've been reading a book called "A General Theory of Love." It's about the physiology of love and the way relationships (good ones!) keep us healthy both physically and emotionally. I've been fascinated to begin learning how the brain works in relation to emotion and its helped solidify my thoughts about living in community and church life in general.

I'd been one of those Christians who thought she could do it on her own. My relationship with God was a very private one, and I enjoyed it and, and I enjoyed my friends in church, but the two were always pretty mutually exclusive. Then life started catching up with me, and I didn't enjoy God or my friends. That's a pretty sucky place to be, and when you isolate yourself, it's a lot harder to get out of that place than you'd think. Don't get me wrong. They're are plenty of times when I've found the Lord as an individual, and I was in that valley, and He was always faithful. But sometimes when you don't have brothers and sisters (not just friends, but family) around, it's harder to remember exactly where you're from and who you are. Love shows you that when you can't show yourself.

The Lord literally wired us so that we couldn't live without love. "From birth to death, love is not just the focus of human experience but also the life force of the mind, determining our moods, stabilizing our bodily rhythms, and changing the structure of our brains. The body's physiology ensures that relationships determine and fix our identities. Love makes us who we are, and who we can become." (Preface, viii)

I think this is one of my favorite things about the Lord. He is Love, so in a spiritual, "other-realmy" sense, we are always in Love. But then on earth he gives us a people we get to share love with, and be "in love" with, so we are surrounded and filled with it. And that is such a beautiful thing.

*You might be thinking--of course she thinks love is such a beautiful and romantic thing, she's a newlywed. To that I have no defense except perhaps to say you ought to meet my husband, (who is a very caring and loving person, don't get me wrong!) before you assume I think love is equated with romance. Yes I am feeling lovie. So sue me.

*Drew if you're out there, thanks for the book.

2006-03-01T11:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's probably too confusing to explain, but I didn't actually post that last blog entry...My new husband was a little over-eager to bring me back into the blogging world. Anyway, yes I am married, and yes, I really am back this time.

The wedding was great, being married is crazy and wonderful, and I'm not entirely sure what I want to blog about. I might just slack off. So here it is. My little bit of nothing for the day. Maybe I'll be more forthcoming about my life and thoughts later.

Four Jobs I've had:
Postal Clerk
Barista
Medieval Literature Research Assistant
Basketball Camp Coach

Four movies I'd watch over and over again:
Groundhog Day (I have watched this over and over again)
About a Boy
As Good as it Gets
The Sound of Music
(*And I could probably watch Rear Window over and over again too, because I love Grace Kelly and Jimmy Stewart in that one)

Four Places I've Lived:
Oklahoma
Virginia
Rome (hah, I wish it was Rome, Italy)
Raleigh, North Carolina...well, I will live there soon!

Four TV shows I love to watch:
Smallville (Allison got me hooked, Tom Welling might not be able to act, but he does make a cute teen superman)
Alias, Jennifer Garner kicking butt is my favorite thing about this show
reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air...love that 90's flair
The Cosby Show, c'mon, who doesn't love the Cosby show besides the KKK?

Four Websites I visit daily:
Dang, I don't even get online daily.

Four places I've been on vacation:
Montana
San Francisco
Mexico
Florida (I know Florida's like the staple vacation place. I hope my next big trip is overseas.)

Four foods I love:
Mac-n-cheese (no, I am not five years old)
Mike's grandma's manicotti
is Mayfield's Moonpie ice cream a food?
Hawaiian bread

Four places I'd rather be:
Once springtime starts to hit us full force I will wish I am somewhere pollen free.

Married and Back!

2006-02-09T12:54:00.000-08:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat and just wrote without much care or thought behind it. The simple act feels good and right, a little like what God must’ve felt after he’d created tulips and turtles. And man and woman, a husband and wife. Slips of memories have been weaving in and out of my mind today, and I can’t say that they’ve made me feel sentimental, but they have made me feel like I’ve already had a full and rich life. And there’s only more to come. Anticipation and discovery. Walking down roads shaded with trees. Green gold light filters though the leaves. A gentle wind blows, the breath of God, and I am not alone.

I want to get back to the almost frantic creativity I possessed as a child. Pictures of stories would race through my mind so quickly, I could barely get them down on paper. Now, I have to sort though all of the mud and debris littering my mind. I want my characters to be real to me again, real enough to talk to, real enough to laugh with, love and empathize with.

Merry Christmas!

2005-12-23T08:44:00.000-08:00

I think I've regained a little of my sanity and realized, hey, it's Christmas time! I normally love this time of year. I love everything about Christmas (well, everything except the horrendous traffic that usually surrounds retail areas), and even if this probably wasn't the time of year when Jesus was born, it still is such a fun thing to throw a gigantic birthday party. Having an excuse to feel warm and fuzzy as you celebrate, give, and remember is a good thing. And good things can be hard to come by. Appreciate it.

begging

2005-12-15T08:40:00.000-08:00

WEDDINGS MAKE YOU CRAZY. Does ANYONE have advice on how to deal with this? I'm begging here. I want to enjoy myself, and NOT gain anymore weight (I'm one of the unfortunate who EATS and EATS when she gets stressed), and NOT feel sick when Irealize how quickly the day is approaching.
HELP?!

crazy woman!

2005-12-12T15:33:00.000-08:00

I am sure I'm going to turn into a crazy crazy crazy woman soon. I think that's all I have to say for now.

word to the wise

2005-11-30T09:13:00.000-08:00

A word to the wise gentlemen...Do not tell your significant other/fiancee/wife that you've spent time researching the lives of "sex workers" (i.e. prostitutes). It's just not the best idea, even if you are claiming a strictly academcially-ethnographic-platonic approach. Better yet, how about you just don't do it at all?

Men. ~sigh~

P.S. And claiming to share the love of Jesus is also a really lame excuse to use for such "research." :)

black friday

2005-11-25T19:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, I think slowly, but surely, I can re-enter the habit of blogging on a regular basis. Or, at least, a semi-regular basis. I can have the most well meaning intentions and carefully laid plans for a day, but just like that, they're swept away and left as vague and nebulous nagging ideas in the back of my mind. Take today for instance.

It's the day after Thanksgiving, and I did the unthinkable. I went shopping, to the mall, with my family. I'm not much of a shopper, and I am also not one for large crowds, and so you can imagine that going out today was something like a nightmare. But, I hardly ever spend an entire day with my mom, her husband, and my sister, and since they were crazy enough to brave the crowds, I sucked up my loathing for "Black Friday," told myself I'd finish some freelance work and compiling wedding invitation addresses later this weekend, and went along.

After that dizzy, "I'm-surrounded-by-the-hounds-of-hell" otherwise known as middle-aged mammas on the hunt for that 50% off sale at Aeropostale feeling subsided, I actually started to enjoy myself. Sure, I'm being jostled every other step I take, sure my sister is giggling (at me, not with me) as I drag her into Victoria's Secret, sure I ate too much last night and my stomach is reminding me of the ramifications of pigging out on too many desserts...but I am happy to participate in all this uniquely American madness. I don't know why. It would be nice to, you know, rally against our materialistic, consumer-driven existences, living as some of the most "entitled" (i.e. clueless, arrogant, etc.) people around, but I'm finding that I don't want to.

So I let the retail gods have their way with me. Does that make me a bad person?

On a completely different note, Sarah, if you're reading, I have slowly started a scrapbooking habit. I didn't realize how much fun it was! I haven't been doing much creative writing lately, and so this is such a great creative outlet and a stress reliever. It's awesome. Should've started months ago.

I just had a thought...maybe I actually enjoyed black friday this year because I wasn't behind a Starbucks counter staring into the enormous line of caffeine deprived shoppers waiting for their fix. That consolation alone was probably subconsciously driving me to an unbeknownst gratitude.

Yeah, being amongst the hounds of hell is one thing. Serving them is another.

oops, i tried

2005-11-07T13:23:00.000-08:00

I know I've let a long period of time lasp between posts, and in blog world, I'm sure that means I've been forgotten. I beg your forgiveness...mea culpa...mercy!

The busy bug bit me, and when she bites, I can be found in a flurry of paralysis, if that contradiction makes any sense. I won't bore you with details about wedding planning, my job, trying to find a place to live, or maintaining my various relationships, but ah, no, blast! My well-meaning plans to post have gone awry. I must away. Maybe I can pick this up later.

sorely vexed

2005-09-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

"Vexed. I'm sorely vexed,” said Commodus to his sister.

No, not really. That's just one of the lines in Gladiator that cracks me up. Don't know why I thought of it. Maybe Joaquin Phoenix (who's set to play Johnny Cash alongside Reese Witherspoon in this fall's Walk the Line.) was on the brain. Who knows?

I'm not vexed, but I am a little worried. Mike and Seth (Mike's best friend), are heading out to New Orleans to do some relief work this weekend. I wish I could go! I feel like I’ve invested so much energy in trying to pull things together in my own little world—getting a good job, planning a wedding, finding a place to live, attempting (and failing it seems) to maintain relationships with my friends and the church—that I’ve felt self-involved and small-minded. I would’ve liked to go, get away, and help somebody else. Maybe the Lord has something else in store. And please Lord, keep them safe.

musings

2005-09-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

Mornings can be brutal. Especially when you seem to be caught in a pointless hurry. I arrived at work thirty minutes early in order to set up for a breakfast meeting, but when I got there, it was already done. Thirty minutes may not seem like a lot to you, but when you commute an hour and a half to work every morning, and thirty minutes earlier involves getting up before 5 am, thirty minutes seems like a lifetime of sleep to be had. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or curse. Well, at least I finally had time to redeem that free chicken biscuit coupon at Chick-fil-A that's been forgotten at the bottom of my purse for months.

It just occured to me that I haven't written anything about Hurricane Katrina. I don't know if I can. I am sad. I cried. I'll try to help where I can. I wish it didn't happen. "Lord." The word is full, and He is all I really have to offer.

don't fall asleep at work jasmin, don't fall asleep...

2005-09-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

What's the most random place you've been hit on? I can now say at a red light.

We were both stopped at this light, and our windows were down.
"Bonsoir," came a French accent. (I know this sounds completely cheesy, but it happened).
I glance over out of curiosity, and he asks me if I knew what it meant.
"Good evening," I smile, glad that my years of French don't leave me looking like a complete idiot.
His eyes light up. "I'm Hans...What's your name?"
I just smile coyly.
"Are you picking up your kids from school?"
The light is turning green and we both start to drive...I'm turning left, he's going straight.
"Trust me, I'm a nice guy! We could get together...!" he's calling as I drive off.
I just laugh and wonder how in the world a guy would think that he could pick up a girl literally off the street like that. And I'd be inclined to think that his accent was fake if he didn't appear foreign...

I'm sorry that this is a completely insipid post, but it was just a funny thing that happened one day. At least I got a rise out of Mike. :)

Sigur Ros

2005-09-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

I had a delightful surprise last night. Practically free tickets to see Sigur Ros at the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra at 8. Nevermind the fact that I had to get up for work at 5:30 the next morning, forget that crazy stomach flu that I’d been harboring, and I laugh at something as minor as car problems and inflated gas prices—Mike and I were on our way!

First things first. Hearing (and seeing too) Sigur Ros live was a spiritual experience. I mean, what else could it be when you mix Icelanders, cellos, and a falsetto to die for? The more I hear about Iceland, the more I become begrudgingly fascinated with their culture and the “other-ness” of it all. Why can’t I be a cool Icelandic gal? Or at least one of these cool artsy people that attended the concert? I have no body piercings besides the two in either ear, my hair isn’t short and/or spiky and/or colored blue and/or in dreds, although I could manage the dreds quite easily. And I wasn’t dressed in all black. Wait, I was. Whatever. Am I destined to feel out of place wherever I go, even if I probably do (or could at least) belong? That’s another question for another time, but I do love the neo-hippie types and the tattooed all over types and the “I’m so casual I’ll just wear jeans-and-a-t-shirt types.” I guess I fit in somewhere between them all.

Anyhow, seeing Sigur live was like being enveloped in a surreal painting that had been given a voice. I’m not sure if this makes any sense, but most of their music feels like love, and I couldn’t help finding Christ in that, which reminds me of something I’ve been reading in “Velvet Elvis” as of late about beauty. Bell reminds us that if we as Christians find something to be beautiful, embrace it because its essence is our Lord. Everything lovely and amazing (sorry, that’s a movie title) finds its origins in God.

There I was, a little cranky, sick, and tired, but in the midst of that I found that their song has the capacity to resonate so deeply within you; it’s like the music I imagine when the universe was created, and I feel as though somehow, we’ve all always been a part of it. It’s a paradoxically ancient and fresh sound that’s sometimes whimsical, sometimes haunting, and sometimes energetic, or a mix of the three. And any band that can make its crowd go wild with the sound of just one note and without once speaking that crowd’s language is a band definitely worth seeing.

So ended our night, and we began the sleepy drive down I-20 with the remnants of Sigur Ros echoing through us.

the wafer Christ

2005-09-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

I've been reading "Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith," by Rob Bell, and though it comes as a surprise to me, I'm very much enjoying it. Never one to read much Christian non-fiction, I'm finding myself caught up in it, as I'm also reading Anne Lamott's "Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith." Reading books about Christian spirituality had never really appealed to me because I found most of them to be poorly written and/or boring. I didn't want to read some "authority" claiming all this insight, when they were really just saying the same things everyone else was, but with a flashier cover. But I'm loving this growth spurt of Christian memoirs I've come across. Don Miller, Lauren Winner, Anne Lamott...good writers who've given me a story of their spirituality instead of distancing me with cold language and a Christ who is as stale and plastic as the communion wafers you struggle to swallow with a swig of grape juice.

Though "Velvet Elvis" isn't a memoir, the title was interesting enough to at least make me want to take another look, and by the end of the preface, "welcome to my velvet elvis," I was hooked. Bell compares exploring faith to the creation of art. If an artist decided that he'd painted the ultimate painting, the painting to end all paintings, the IT thing, and then announced for all other artists to simply quit because there was no more reason for further artwork, we'd think he was crazy (nevermind an arrogant, deluded, fool). Bell says that it's the same way with our faith:

...I embrace the need to keep painting, to keep reforming. By this I do
not mean cosmetic, superficial, changes like better lights and music,
sharper graphics, and new methods with easy-to-follow-steps. I mean
theology: the beliefs about God, Jesus, the Bible, salvation, the future.
We must keep reforming the way the Christian faith is defined, lived, and
explained (12).

Sound a little dangerous? Exploration usually is. But is also sounds like an adventure and a mystery. There is so much of Christ to discover and keep discovering. I'd much rather live my faith as an Indian Jones-like adventure. How much more intriguing, and exciting, and wonderful is Christ as an adventure versus Christ as a plastic wafer narrowly passing for bread?

quiz time

2005-08-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

This is surprisingly accurate I think. I don't know why I play these mind games with personality tests...however it can get kind of addictive.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Check out how Mike and I compare here. There are some funny differences that I'll choke him for later...

playing catch up

2005-08-12T18:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been awhile. Guess it's time to play a little catch up. A lot's been going on the last four months. I got engaged (!), a senior editor at Waterbrook (a division of Random House/Doubleday) is interested in my novel, and I've recently quit my job at Starbucks. That's the short version. Things are going good. Real good. And you know, it scares me. Kind of like the "emperor's new clothes" scary. I think everything is wonderful, and I am wearing this gorgeous gown of love, fulfillment, and confidence, but then one morning I'll look down and discover I've really been naked the whole time, and people have been snickering at that unmentionable birthmark...

But fear can go to hell.

Anyway, the Lord has been using this time to draw me closer to him I think. He's wooing me out of complacency and into passion and vibrancy and LIFE.

I've gotten a chance to read some very interesting things lately. Seen some good movies too. I know several critics tore it apart, but I loved The Island. So Michael Bay directed Armageddon...we'll forgive him for that. I thought The Island was beautiful. Check it out. And please, if you haven't seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yet, go see it! If you don't come out of there respecting Johnny Depp for his versatility, you're just plain crazy.

I've finally gotten around to reading girl meets GOD, by Lauren Winner, the Jewish woman turned Christian. I'm right smack dab in the middle of it, and so far, it's been an engaging read. She's made me want to become obsessed with something, or Someone rather. I love my Lord, but I'm not starving for him in the way I want to be. It's like fear retarded my sense of hunger...but I'm seeing this table, and it's full of good food, and I'm drooling just a little...

that beast nostalgia

2005-04-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

Feeling nostalgic tonight. Missing my friends, and knowing that the missing will just get worse, because we are all scattering. Now I'm not only nostalgic, I am sad. This feeling just crept up on me. The "good old days" are gone, and now I am dealing with the ever-confusing present that can feel like walking on quicksand. I don't want to look back on memories and let them make me dissatisfied with the present. Nostalgia can be a beast.

I wonder if I will ever look back on this specific time in my life with nostalgia. Will I miss living at home, working a part-time job, and hanging out with my sister whenever I want? Yes, probably. I'll miss seeing Jenn and Michael (my Starbucks pals) all the time. They, especially Jenn, have been so loving and such a support right now. I know how much I care about people, but then when you realize that other people really care and love you too, it's almost overwhelming.

My goodness. I'm such a fuzzball. A nostalgic-beasty-fuzzball.

Moby

2005-04-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

I saw Moby live at the Tabernacle last night, and I must say, it was quite the experience. I've never really been into Moby much before Mike met him at a signing he was doing at Criminal Records in Little Five. Mike bought his new album ("Hotel"), and I loved it. So we decided to go out on the town and catch Moby in his element.

First of all, I should probably explain something. I am used to being the one of the only black people wherever I go. For some reason, it just ends up that way. But, every once and awhile, I feel a little awkard, and going to a techno event was one of those thing I felt awkard about. So Mike tried to convince me that black people like Moby too, and to rest assured, I wouldn't be alone. We made a bet.

20 or more black people there, and I buy him dessert. 20 or less, and he buys me dessert.

People on the event staff did not count.

The Tabernacle is a pretty cool venue. I'd never been there before last night. Intimate and cozy in there. Perfect "soft-core rave" environment. And after a couple rum and cokes I was ready to forget the fact that I was, yes, 1 of 3 other black people there (Mike did end up buying me this organic, oh-so-delicious berry drink afterward that served as my dessert). I had so much fun! I told Mike it made me feel young again...and I know that sounds crazy because I'm only 23. I just meant, we've been dating for a long time, and it's easy to feel like an old married couple already. But, enjoying new things together is something that I think keeps a relationship fresh, and I really like the fact that I am comfortable enough around him to make myself a little uncomfortable again.

So anyway, Mike and I are dancing around and having a good time when these crazy rednecks decide they want to completely invade my space, which I know is bound to happen at these things, but having a drunk blonde bimbette swing her hair in my face is about where I draw the line (I was about to rip it out.) I kept elbowing her and stepping on her heels in hopes that she would take the hint, but alas, to no avail. If she hadn't been so busy grindin' all over her boyfriend she might've noticed. When the couple finally left, the cool European types who'd been standing next to me the whole time looked over at me with a smile, and one of them gave me a high five. "You wanted to kill her too, didn't you?"

All in all it was a good night. I can't comment on the music much, can't compare "Hotel" to past Moby albums, or to techno/ambient/whatever music in general because I've never listened to it until now. All I know is that there was a good beat to dance to, my car didn't get broken into like somebody else's did where we parked, and I won a bet.

Oh yeah, and Moby is a nerd. An emaciated, pale, nerd. Gotta love those types.

I knew it

2005-03-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

You Belong in 1956

1956

If you scored...
1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!
1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too.
1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!
1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day.
1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/yearbelongquiz/">What Year Do You Belong In?

1956. Guess you can sign me up for a black Leave it to Beaver.

Now I'm somebody's Jewish friend

2005-02-24T09:24:00.000-08:00

Now that I've already spent too much time online, I figured, why not blog?

Now that Daniel and Zach Justice think that I'm Jewish, and are glad I didn't live in 1940s Germany, I think I can rest easy. I guess I'll be their Jewish friend until they figure out otherwise... I mean, I'm used to being people's black friend, but this is a new experience for even me, the seasoned "token black girl" of the bunch.

Life just isn't what I thought it would be after college. All these unexpected things...working at Starbucks for (ew, gad) almost a year now, living at home...it's just a rather sedentary existence, but somehow, it feels worth it. I think I needed this year for clearing my head and learning to recognize the things that I want in life and the things that I don't. So, I'm excited about the upcoming year to see what it brings...

I need to get my film developed from John's wedding so I can post some pics...and Mike and I need to get around to sending them a wedding gift. I'm sure they're too busy doing other things to miss a few presents though...hehe. (yes I am immature enought to still giggle about that)

And now that my internet time has certainly exceeded its limits for a day, I bid you adieu.

Hypomania

2005-02-19T07:02:00.000-08:00

Know any hypomaniacs? I've got to get overseas and experience another way of life...

giggles

2005-01-31T19:57:00.000-08:00

Nothing like getting the giggles with your little sister before you go to bed. I really don't think you can be as un-selfconscious around anyone as you can your family. Well, in some families. Hehehaha--"Finding Nemo" on ice, can it get any funnier than that...? The word giggles in and of itself is a silly word. Hm. Anyway.

So Iraq had their elections....go democracy, right? Oh wait, except that in recent polls most of the people want Americans to just get the heck out. And that Harvard president, Summers or something...what was he thinking saying that women may not have the aptitude to learn math and science as well as men? I mean, lord knows I'll never be an engineer, but goodness. He must've been trying to stir up ol' NOW's waters.

Okay enough seriousness, I can't get the image of tranquilized monkeys, and life-sized Nemo's with legs and ice skates out of my mind.

skipping work, etc...

2005-01-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

So, I'm thinking...maybe I should skip out on work tonight. Sorry my fellow baristas--I can't keep closing on friday AND saturday nights. It sucks. Besides, it's really cold outside, and I don't want to leave the house.

I've been really happy and feeling all content and warm and cozy with life. Unfortunately, this morning I woke up feeling like somebody I know and love is dying, or will die soon. What kind of crazy crap is that I ask?! Maybe I'm just psychotic. Or maybe it's (enter scary music) SATAN. Trying to rob me of happy life feelings or whatever.

Finally finished "Searching..." I can't believe I made it through a "Christian" book. I read very few of those, but I happen to find Miller's books engaging, honest, and refreshing. I would recommend "Blue Like Jazz" and "Searching..." to anybody who wants an easy, conversational read about Christian spirituality.

Okay, I've been so lazy all day. I've got to get some work done on the Williams Chiropractic brochure...design, design, design...fun times picking fonts and stuff...geez, I'm a nerd.

Loving

2005-01-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

I've been reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller, and I have to admit that it's been something of a lifesaver. Here's a quote I really like...Miller has been talking about parable of the good Samaritan...

"Jesus was not afraid of...revealing the worth of those considered worthless. The modern-day equivalent might be to tell a story to a group of conservative evangelicals about a pluralist, liberal, homosexual who heroically stops to help a stranded traveler after a preacher, a Republican, and a Christian writer have passed him by (135)."

I often wonder what of worth, what of beauty, what of God I am overlooking because I don't dig deep enough past my prejudices and preconceived notions. Am I a really a loving person, the way Jesus was a loving person? I want to be, but I then I realize, if I can push myself out of the way long enough to let Jesus get through, His love is the love that will rush out to others. That's the crux of the matter though--how do I get out of the way? How do I push past fears, doubts, insecurities, and allow Him to just be?